Hilarious Crap You Missed Because Facebook Is a Fascist Dictator

Have you noticed how much Facebook and Fascist Dictators have in common when it comes to the dissemination of information? Facebook, like a power-hungry dictator, thinks it knows what people want to see in their newsfeeds even better than the people to whom the newsfeeds belong. Under the guise of pretending to do what’s best for us — its disloyal and unwilling yet pathetically dependent subjects — Facebook really only does what is best for Facebook. I have pages and friends that I haven’t seen in my newsfeed in years because Facebook’s stupid algorithm erroneously assumed I don’t want to see those guys anymore. I wonder how many of my friends have had babies that I don’t know about. Facebook: STOP BEING A DICK. And Google+, when will you stop sucking? You’re not helping matters.

WOW I guess that had been festering for a while. Glad I got that off my chest.

This is really just a funny post about all the totally awesome stuff that Facebook hid from you because it’s jealous of our special relationship. I wasn’t actually planning on making a dictator comparison.

Okay so here’s the awesome crap you might have missed:

Sometimes I post stuff that doesn’t get enough likes. I think you guys are just scrolling too fast to really appreciate the joke or something. Like on 9/5 when I posted this dog hiding behind the couch but giving us the “I’m mad at you but you just mentioned food” look. This pic just didn’t get enough appreciation in my opinion. Haven’t you ever been pissed at someone and then they’re like, “Hey, yo, let’s go out for tacos?” And then you’re like, “Ehhhhhhhh fuck you, but OHMYGOD YES.” And you go out and snarf like six tacos but the whole time you’re like, “I’m still mad at you, asshole, but these tacos are DELICIOUS.” I can’t be the only one who does this.

On 9/6 my husband and I began an exciting new adventure into “that’s what she said” jokes. WE JUST CAN’T STOP, you guys. (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.):

Me: You’re pretty hot, ya know.
Husband: That’s what she said.
Me: Yeah. I know. I’m the “she.”

9/8, not a “that’s what she said” joke, but still worth inclusion here:

Husband: So, show me how to use the scanner?
Me: Babe. Just go start pushing buttons. If I can do it, you can do it.
Husband: Uhhhh okay. *turns to leave*
Me: But wait. You need something to scan it to. You gotta stick your memory stick in there. 
Husband: OH I’LL STICK MY STICK IN THERE.
Me: *puts on headphones*

That same day, I branched out from my usual lame post-run yoga routine:

After a short run yesterday, I did a little yoga. Nothing major, but I did a few poses that I hadn’t done in a long while. I’m not gonna lie, sitting down to pee is an epic challenge at this point. 
#Yoga
#ItsNotForSissies

9/10:

On the way to school this morning Lucas was engrossed in a book about the periodic table while Rachmaninoff played on the radio. My dreams have literally come true. 

And:

You know how Facebook messaging has the little thumbs up sign you can send to people? Am I the only one who feels like it means: “YEAH YEAH YEAH ALRIGHTY THEN WHATEVER NOW GO AWAY”? Doesn’t it feel passive-aggressive somehow? Or is that just me? I sent one to a friend a little bit ago and now I feel like a jerk. Sorry, friend. 
#IMightBeOverThinkingThis
#NoSurpriseThere

I will never use that stupid thumbs up sign again. Or, I could stop being such a ninny.

On 9/11 I felt sad, so I compiled this post full of adorable pictures of symphathetic animals. It helped.

The next day I went clothes shopping at Kohl’s because I had a 30% off coupon and you just don’t waste those. But:

Why I hate clothes shopping:
Size 10: Too tight. Almost start crying.
Size 8: Falling off. Jubilated. 
I CAN’T HANDLE THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

That night, I was livin’ the thug life:

We met up with my sister and her family on Saturday:

No blogging shall occur today. We are hanging out with my sis at the hotel they’re staying at. (Holla!) My husband made me do a shot of tequila with him because he’s trying to take advantage of me. And I’m not wearing my wedding ring so we are pretending I’m my husband’s mistress. And yes those are hot dog legs. I did that on purpose. And YES it only takes one shot to get me drunk. #OBVIOUSLY

Then:

On our way home from visiting my sis, and Mari (age 4) is blowing her nose in a pair of shorts (found them in my purse – don’t ask) because I don’t have tissues and I’d rather wash snot out of shorts than listen to her throw a tantrum over not being able to blow her nose.
#Parenting
#ItsNotForSissies

Later that night I got a little emotional:

Just realized that the last time I wore pigtails, I didn’t realize it was the last time I would EVER wear pigtails. I feel like I should have had a pigtail mourning party or something when I turned 21. As I’m turning 35 this Tuesday, I am quite certain the pigtail ship has sailed (and sank in a violent hurricane and is rotting on the sea floor covered in barnacles). I am sadder about this than I really should be. 
I just wish I would have known it was the end, you know? I didn’t get the closure I needed.
#SomeoneHoldMe

Sunday 9/14 I got to see my friend Anna-May from Silence of the Mom blog. She has five kids. {{{BRAIN EXPLODING}}}

This, and tickling, is why I will not submit to being tied to a bed:

Monday night at dinner:

Regarding the noises coming from my children just now, my husband says: Man, I don’t know how you guys haven’t driven your mother crazy yet.
Me: I AM crazy, haven’t you noticed?
Husband: I mean mental asylum crazy.
Me: I don’t know if that makes me feel better or not.

And:

This made me laugh about 5 times harder than it was meant to, but don’t worry, I didn’t pee my pants because I was really good about doing my kegels during my pregnancies:

Tuesday was my birthday. I wanted to post a sexy picture of myself but then I found this and felt it was obvious the universe was sending me a strong message to NOT post sexy pictures of myself:

Just kidding. I wasn’t ever going to post sexy pictures of myself. I don’t do that stuff.

At my birthday dinner:

I’m devouring my birthday crab legs like I raised myself on a deserted island:
Husband: Man, you really leave no bone unturned, do you?
Me: That’s right… I leave no bone unturned.
Both, in unison: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

Then I drew an Abandoning Pretense follower:

And she sent me this unbelievably sweet, mushy-gushy thank you message that made me cry.

Yesterday morning, my children tried to murder me with their adorableness:

Mari, age 4: Lucas, how do things move through time?
Lucas, age 8: Well, sweetie, they stay in the same place physically, but they are always getting older.
Me: *dies*

Then I went jogging, did yoga, and juiced. Some of you asked for juice recipes – I’ll post those soon.

Then I posted my thingy that I wrote for NickMom. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a writer for NickMom. WHAAAAT?

And finally, the post that launched a torrent of “that’s what she said” jokes, and made me realize I might have an unhealthy level of adoration for you people:

At dinner:
Me: Man, this sausage is GOOD. I could be happy with JUST the sausage.
Husband: That’s what she said.
#WalkedRightIntoIt

If you don’t want to ever miss another awesome Facebook post, go to the AP Facebook page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” I only post 3-5 times per day, so you won’t be inundated with crap from me if you do that. And as always, I encourage you to subscribe to Abandoning Pretense so that you never miss another delightfully pretense-free post!