For two years, I trained hardcore for Tough Mudder and thought of almost nothing else besides exercise and which vegetables are best for juicing. Then, after completing my most recent Tough Mudder last November, I decided I would take a little break from being obsessed with fitness and clean eating… a short respite, just to enjoy the holidays.

I determined that I would permit myself to take a ginger step down off the fitness wagon and temporarily partake in the simple joys of holiday culinary delights.

That’s what was supposed to happen.

Instead, I took a flamboyant, belly-flopping leap, arms outstretched, bliss-face atilt skyward… right into an enormous vat of melted cheese. (And I’ve been swimming around in it ever since.)

This is sort of unprecedented for me. If you’ve been following for a while, you know two things about me:

1) I am a runner. The kind of runner who becomes suddenly animated whenever anyone brings up the topic of running. I will probably jog circles around the furniture and ask you to “analyze my gait.”

2) I am a health nut. The kind of health nut who has a juicer in the kitchen and an organic garden in the back yard. I will try to convince you that green juice is delicious.

And yet, I have not been running in um, lemme see here, it’s been… I dunno, forfuckingever-ish (Christmas?) And my juicer is writing me a sad poem about loneliness. One would think the muffin top that has recently sprung up over the waistband of all my non-elastic pants would be motivation enough to overcome this strange period of stagnation, but I can’t seem to make myself care about anything fitness or health-related anymore.

I blame food.

Before we go any further, I should tell you that I don’t think I’m fat, I don’t hate my body and I don’t even really wish I was thinner. (Well, it would be nice if my clothes still fit.) I actually kind of like the way I look. The best part of being at my current weight is that I can eat. Sure, I could be fifteen pounds lighter, but then I wouldn’t be able to have cake. At barbeques, I’d pretend to be full after three chips. Let’s just not, mkay?

I’m sure I’ll change my mind at some point and decide I would prefer to be skinny again, but right now I would like to enjoy eating, thankyouverymuch. And yes, I do have to choose between the two. Be skinny or fucking eat. Please do me the kindness of not telling me that I could eat a ton of food and still be skinny, it just has to be the right kind of food, because, freaking DUH, I already know that.

I just want to have this moment (or many, many moments) in my life to enjoy all the disgustingly delicious crap I have so masterfully deprived myself of for the last two years, and worse, have made myself feel guilty about eating ever since I first learned what a calorie was some 22-ish years ago.

Yeah, whoever said nothing tastes better than skinny feels has obviously never tasted cheesecake. Or… well, any of these things:

(My list of twenty things that taste better than skinny feels, because clearly I have way too much freaking time on my hands.)

  1. Cheesecake (yeah, that’s right, I said it twice.)
  2. Any kind of cake, really (except fruitcake)
  3. Pepperoni
  4. Chocolate chip cookies
  5. Salt and vinegar potato chips
  6. Pancakes
  7. Macaroni and Cheese
  8. Anything with cheese, really
  9. Tacos
  10. McDonald’s French fries
  11. Pizza
  12. Lasagna
  13. Kit Kats
  14. Skittles
  15. Popcorn with tons of butter
  16. All of the ice cream
  17. Steak
  18. Doughnuts
  19. Bagels with cream cheese
  20. Pie

Well crap, now I’m hungry.

I’m not trying to encourage obesity here. Obviously we need to take care of our bodies, not take them for granted blah blah, because they are the only vessels we get to inhabit in this short life and we’d do well to treat them kindly yada yada. All that stuff. And I know at some point I’ll climb my fat, happy ass back on that wagon and slowly reclaim my latent health-nut status.

But for now, this is where I’m at. For now, food wins.

better than skinny-doughnut

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  1. YES. To all of this. I lost 55 pounds two years ago and managed to keep it off (and still needed to lose another 75 pounds) until the last 6 or so months. Hello 25 pound weight gain! I attribute most of it to depression and the fact I had four root canals done that allowed me to eat real food again after four months of pain and aggravation. The other part of it is that I had zero control and damn it I love food.

    I’m trying to get myself back on the bandwagon but with questionable finances, a love of wine and cheeseburgers and a bit of an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude I’ve been struggling. Maybe once the weather cools down it’ll be easier.

  2. YOU are in the same boat as me and YOU are getting back to #1 & #2 (with me)!!! I feel the same way, I don’t hate my body and I like to indulge, but I also want to fit back in my pants (comfortably).
    Let’s schedule a run and work towards that goal, maybe even a triathlon. We will hold each other accountable.
    You can enjoy those top 20 on your one cheat day a week so you don’t get deprived … and no, not all of them in one day 🙂
    See ya next week!

    • Lady, I’m with you. I just have to find someplace to dump my kids. And fair warning: my pace is probably like a 12 minute mile right now. *sob*

      • Ha … we can dump them together. They can take care of themselves on a play date, right?
        Or we stay with them and drink wine? There I go getting off the wagon again …lol

  3. I had no idea you are a Tough Mudder!! Me too!! 2 under my belt. And for me, 2 is a good number. I’m done but I do still run.

    And chocolate chip cookies are my favorites!

  4. Good for you for keeping a healthy perspective! I do Crossfit 3x a week (OK, MOST weeks. Last week. Not this week) so I can keep my weight somewhat under control (I won’t deny I have about 50lbs I could do without).

    I have a friend whose dad is a cardiologist. He refuses to eat (or allow his wife to cook with) salt, butter, cream (including milk with any fat at all), or cheese. My friend was telling me how they go to restaurants and he custom orders everything, and her mom is super-judgmental about what everyone around them is eating (“Just LOOK at that–it’s just DRIPPING with orange cheese. Who can eat like that? How disgusting!”) and I said, “If I were forced to eat that way all the time, it would suck joy from my life, and slowly kill my soul.”

    My grandmother is 101 years old (and still in good shape, both mentally and physically). She loves my husband’s chocolate chip cookies the most, and about every 3 mos I take her a batch (because it’s not like she needs anything material). She eats one and puts the rest in the freezer because she “doesn’t want to get fat.” Screw that–if I make it to 101, I’m eating ALL THE COOKIES. ALWAYS.

  5. Yes. I mean, YES! I was just thinking that I was going to start that my no white carb eating again, but nachos just taste so good. And, one thing I blame it on is cooking for a family of 5. If I had to ONLY take care of myself, I would be super skinny, but when your kids are eating their yummy food, and you’re the master chef, it’s hard not to slice off a piece of cheese for yourself too.

    • Not to mention the first-world guilt about throwing away food… I just CAN’T freakin throw away food! IT’S WRONG!!!!! lol

  6. Loved this!! I have to add one thing: Doritos. One more: squeeze cheeze (I know you said cheese already, but I think canned cheese is in a category all its own). Ugh, getting ready for a beach trip and trying to love myself – cellulite, floppy tummy, varicose veins and all. Pray for me!

  7. P.S. I should add that I’m going to the beach with two other families with moms that belong to the thigh gap crew. My rubby, sweaty thighs will be wearing a swim skirt but stillllll…..! Plus, PMS. Plus I have a cold sore. Ok, sorry to use this thread for my pity party. I think I’m done.

  8. I love food. I really love it. LOVE. Mmmm, food.

    I just don’t feel like I’m living if I can’t have beer, wine, cheese, and chips. It’s all about balance … and by that, I mean holding a glass in one hand and the chip in the other!

  9. If someone could come up with a calorie-free, healthy CHOCOLATE WAFFLE that tastes just like the one served at the Sweetwater restaurant, I would pay a gazillion dollars for it. I’m sure at least 10 pounds on my left thigh are from those deliciously evil things.

  10. “Yeah, whoever said nothing tastes better than skinny feels has obviously never tasted cheesecake.” Yep, I’m with you there. I’m about 5 pounds heavier than my heaviest (not counting pregnancy), and like you said, I’m struggling to give a crap. My only fear is that those 5 pounds are a slippery slope to morbid obesity.

    Kristen, if you could answer a writer question for me, I’d be grateful. I follow your blog and know that you were on HuffPost recently. I’ve heard different things about how you’re supposed to submit. Do you use the form on the site or email the editor of the section your post would be suited for? I need a veteran here; I don’t know what I’m doing.

    • I wish I were a veteran! I submitted through their regular channels. My only word of advice? Have a unique or hot topic and GRAB THEM with the words in your subject/title/first line. You absolutely must lead with the good stuff. They are sifting through THOUSANDS of submissions every single day. If you don’t stand out, they’ll never see you. Good luck!