Sometimes I look back through the Abandoning Pretense Facebook page and I get super-sad thinking about how only about 25% of AP followers saw all the awesome crap I posted. To make myself (and probably you) feel better, I’m going to start doing a weekly recap every Friday.
Probably every Friday.
If I remember.
Here it is:
Then I was thinking about thinking (<<< no typos) and this happened:
“I don’t understand the term “over-analyzing.” I mean, “over”? As if it’s possible to think too much? Are we *against* thinking? Are people who think “too much” nothing but worthless, awkward social outcasts? Are we “weird?” In order to fit in, must we simply accept everything at face-value and never ask questions? Must we be crucified when, during a movie, we say “that would never happen because there’s only so much gas in a gas tank and it doesn’t make sense for the trunk to catch on fire” or, after reading a book, we say “that character isn’t realistic because it’s not likely that a social recluse would be so good at sex”? Can’t we just call it “analyzing”? I don’t see how the “over” is necessary.”
Tuesday started off a little rough:
Last Saturday night I was watching SNL and I realized that I am just as socially awkward as some of the characters on the show… who are meant to be exaggerations of real-life asshats:
“You guys, sometimes I feel like I’m an SNL character just waiting to happen.”
Then I found a meme about how at home you get to poop with the door open, and I was all, “NO.”
 |
| Dear husband: NO. |
Then I was thinking about thinking (<<< no typos) and this happened:
“I don’t understand the term “over-analyzing.” I mean, “over”? As if it’s possible to think too much? Are we *against* thinking? Are people who think “too much” nothing but worthless, awkward social outcasts? Are we “weird?” In order to fit in, must we simply accept everything at face-value and never ask questions? Must we be crucified when, during a movie, we say “that would never happen because there’s only so much gas in a gas tank and it doesn’t make sense for the trunk to catch on fire” or, after reading a book, we say “that character isn’t realistic because it’s not likely that a social recluse would be so good at sex”? Can’t we just call it “analyzing”? I don’t see how the “over” is necessary.”
^^^And I was super-proud of how ironic I was being, even though a couple of people didn’t catch it like I’d hoped they would. It’s okay guys, stick with me and we’ll figure this shit out together.
And then I laughed at this dog’s penis:
 |
| Could someone give him a blanket or something? Or some shorts? |
On Monday I asked you guys to share me and I totally wouldn’t mind if you wanted to do that again. I also decided on Monday that bras are bullshit and:
“I think men should have to wear chest-harnesses, just to keep things fair.”
Amiright, ladies?
Also that I didn’t feel like acting like a grown-up anymore:
Tuesday started off a little rough:
“Yay! It’s morning! GOOD MORNING!!! Do you hear the birds chirping? ISN’T IT MAGICAL? *sings a song like Cinderella* Oh shit. The 8yo peed his bed. AWESOME. That’s okay. Accidents happen. Oh and the 4yo has a cold and can only use her screechy-whine voice when she speaks. *Deep breaths* She’s sick. She’s not normally like this. And my husband threw out last night’s perfectly good coffee even though I asked him not to. Motherf#&$%r. Annnnnd I just spilled laundry detergent all over everything and down the crack between the washer and dryer while trying to get pee-soaked sheets in the wash. Nevermind. IT’S A SHITTY F*CKING MORNING AND DON’T TALK TO ME. BIRDS ARE STUPID.”
Plus I realized that coffee pots are lying liar-faces:
 |
| “2 cups” didn’t even fill *my* cup half-way. THAT’S SOME BULLSHIT, Y’ALL. |
Then I got mad at my face:
“What’s that you say, dear? You need to change the oil in the car? No need to go to the store; just scrape all this shit off my face. You should have MORE than enough.
^^^ NO IDEA how hashtags work in blogger, but whatever. I like them so I’m leaving them in there.
Then I blamed being fat on my third-grade teacher:
“I really must overcome this aversion to more than one shower per day. It’s totally screwing with my exercise plan. I blame that teacher in 3rd grade who showed us all the oil spill videos.
I have no idea what happened here:
“Just noticed “discount park and ride” started following me on Pinterest and was all “THAT is DISGUSTING.”
And then I was like “Ohhhhhhhh… nevermind. They mean ACTUAL parking and riding, like NOT a sexual metaphor.”
Then I wrote about how Mari would rather eat seaweed than lasagna. Effing weirdo.
 |
| Dafuq, Mari? |
Wednesday night convo between me and my husband:
Husband: “I have to do some work on my computer tonight.”
Me: “So you’re not going to give me the stank-eye and heave giant sighs of frustration while I work on my book?”
Husband: “Correct.”
Yesterday morning before school:
“I should’ve named Lucas “Lucas-Lucas-Lucas” because that’s what I have to say to get his attention anyway.”
My husband, in a nutshell:
“My husband calls me from his car using the new blue tooth he installed over the weekend (he doesn’t actually have any reason to call other than he wants to play with his blue tooth (WHY DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A EUPHEMISM FOR MASTURBATION)) and he says “Hi honey.” and I say, “Umm.. Hi?” and he says, “It’s me.” and I say, “I know it’s you. Cell phones pretty much universally tell you when someone from your contact list is calling.” and he says “Oh. Haha.” and tells me he’s going to Ace Hardware.“
Last night, the stars aligned but I was too scared to address the situation directly:
“I am NOT going to say how nicely my children are playing together right now, because everyone knows that when you say stupid shit like that you incur the wrath of the merciless jinx-gods (who are probably not real, but doesn’t it totally feel like they are?)”
And this seemed somehow relevant though I can’t quite put my finger on it:
 |
| NO PLEASE SERIOUSLY YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. |
A few other awesome things happened, but I’m too lazy and you’re too busy for me to post every single thing. If you want to get all the Abandoning Pretense updates in Facebook, go the AP page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” I know that’s really stupid and annoying because then your phone will be dinging four times per day and you’ll be like “IS THAT THE NOTIFICATION FOR THE IMPORTANT TEST RESULTS I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR?” but you’ll see it’s just me and you’ll be like “Awww, crap, it’s dumbass Abandoning Pretense posting a video of her dog mouth-breathing in her face. Dammit.” But it’ll be kind of funny and you’ll smile in spite of yourself so it’ll totally be worth it.
xoxo
– Kristen
19 Comments
Nice recap. I love that you included the dog’s penis.
There’s no way I could NOT include the dog’s penis.
I am at home, alone, in the bathroom, and the door is shut. I only leave the door open when my husband is home because marriage is about sharing.
Trish, you crack me up. I really don’t want my husband to watch me take a dump, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I’m always like “CAN YOU AVERT YOUR EYES PLEASE SO I CAN WIPE???”
I love your blog and would like you to know EVERY SINGLE ONE of your posts shows up on my news feed so I guess I’m one of the lucky ones!
Yay! Well the funny thing about posts like this is that they are probably only seen by that 25% who regularly see my posts anyway… Meh. Anyway it was fun! 🙂
Your weekly update is almost more hilarious than actually reading all your Facebook posts as they occur! ALMOST!
Sweet. I’ll put it on the calendar. (But that doesn’t mean I’ll remember to do it.) 😉
Never promise to do something every week cuz that’s just SO much pressure and then you’ll start avoiding it and we’ll miss it
I love your over-analyzing rant and, yes, I got it because I’m just cool that way 🙂
Okay I’m totally not promising, then.
LOVE this recap and the dog penis—–LMFAO!!!!!!
Right? The caption was something about the dog thinking he was human and I was like “HELLOOOOOO GIANT DOG PENIS”
Nice recap! This is a great idea. I would do a recap too. Oh wait, I suck at using my Facebook page anyway. It’s just so discouraging knowing that nobody sees what we’re posting. I mean, I really missed out on your dog’s penis.
If you post more dog-penis pictures, it will extend your reach. No seriously.
😉
Oh.my.gaaawd! I Found you via Mamalode. I spit my coffee out and laughed so hard I
Almost peed myself. Love your raw candor and humors take on life! You are my new daily devotion! Thank you for making my day!
#imastalkernotablogger
This is great. I’m going to add you to my interests list so I don’t miss anything! WHICH IS WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD DO ON FACEBOOK! Sorry, I got a little hysterical there.
Thanks Meredith. You and I are like this: (I’m doing that thing where I point at my eyes with my two fingers and then I point with those same fingers at your eyes.)
Okay it works better in person.
Yes! I totally have to make “8 cups” of coffee, just to get 2 of my mug-fulls! I guess I have a giant mug. (Euphemism? Sure, why not, that too.)
Euphemism is almost as awesome as irony. Almost. 😉