I barely remembered that I had committed to doing this every Friday. This is why I’m not one of those huge bloggers who already has a book out. I can’t stay organized or remember to do shit. Anyway, here’s the weekly wrap-up of all the awesome crap you missed because Facebook is a greedy corporate whore-monger:

Saturday I worked out for the first time with Jillian Michaels and immediately developed a girl-crush:

We purchased Amazon Prime for the movies and free shipping, and then I discovered there are like a billion workout videos on there. Jillian Michaels is my new girl-crush. I might feel differently tomorrow when I can’t sit on the toilet or move my arms.

Later, I worried that I was not worth $450 to go to a blogger conference, a conference which happens to be kind of the awesomest thing ever because I already know like 50 of the women who are going (internet-know, but whatevs. We like each other), AND there is a possibility that I might find someone who would be interested in helping me get my book published. 

But I still had to ask: Do I deserve this?

So I’m going to this Blogger conference called BlogU. I’ve been obsessing over going but thinking I shouldn’t do it because blogging doesn’t really make any money (well I earned like $11 from ads posted on my site WOOHOO! but that doesn’t really cover the cost of a plane ticket, ya know?) and WHO AM I to go off and do something for myself if I’m not even earning any money??? But I’m working on this book, like actually WORKING on it every night until 1am and it seems like it has the potential to be really funny, so I feel like if I want to be serious about it and make something happen that I should put forth some effort into learning and networking, right? And plus they’re doing a retro prom. 
I did the right thing, right? It’s totally gonna be worth the $450 I just spent on myself, right? 

I’m wearing three-year-old Walmart clothes off the five-dollar rack but I can’t spend $450 on myself to go to a conference? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

After getting in a weird argument with my husband about the conference i.e. me sobbing into my dog and yelling, “YOU DON’T SUPPORT ME!!! WAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!” (It’s true; he was being a twat. He has since come around and is fully supportive), we went to Barnes & Noble to do research for my book, ala: Who is my competition?  I was delighted to see that there are NO books out there like the one I’m doing. Yay. While at Barnes & Noble, we ran into some old friends. I have never seen my husband so animated in conversation: 

My husband is animated, engaging, and charismatic, as long as he’s talking to someone who isn’t me. 

He was using his hands and everything, you guys. WTF.

Sunday was pretty great mainly because:

Just discovered that someone found my blog via the search phrase: 
“i shaved, now my vagina is on fire”

I have arrived, people. I. HAVE. ARRIVED.


If that video doesn’t make you smile it’s probably because you have no soul.

Still over-flowing with motivation from signing up for BlogU 2014, converting my husband from “indifferent” to “supportive” and the subsequent trip to Barnes & Noble, I stayed up all night working on my proposal and chapter-planning: 

My book –  
Marriage is Not Romantic:
and other things I wish I’d known before I got married
(look closely and you can see how funny it’s gonna be)

Monday I became suspicious that my Mother-in-Law might be involved in narcotic-trafficking, but was totally okay with it: 

My MIL brought coffee from Peru (which, I’m sorry, is SO not the same as buying coffee from the grocery store purporting to be Peruvian) and I am pretty sure it’s laced with cocaine. Anybody in the mood to be bench-pressed? I could totally do it. Just let me know; I can jog to you.

After school on Monday I discovered something new about Lucas:

Wow, Lucas (age 8) can do his homework SUPER-FAST if he knows the neighbors are outside having a water-balloon fight.

That night, Mari made me wonder if I am a shitty mother: 

Putting Mari (age 4) to bed, she’s holding her arms out and making weird grunting noises. 
Me: Uhh… what are you doing?

Mari: I’m stwetching! 

Me: You’re too cute.

Mari: I think you’re cute!

Me: Well thank you!

Mari: You know what, mommy? You’re a lot nicer today than I thought you’d be.


Lucas has just informed me that I am, in fact, the Best Mom in the World (times infinity). 

So he’s my favorite today.

Then my idol, The Bloggess, made me feel like a celebrity:

Holy SHITBALLS, The Bloggess is following me on twitter. OH GOD I’M HYPERVENTILATING. I think I need more Peruvian coffee. Wait, that might be exactly the opposite of what I need. WHAT DO I DO?!

I felt like I should put on a bra or something.

Mari caught the mycoplasma infection that Lucas had. BTW you don’t develop an immunity to that. Effed up, huh? Anyway, Mari is adorable, right? 

She can’t read. She just acts like she can.

Then I had a hilarious guest-poster on the blog: Brooke Takhar of MissTeenUSSR.

And I wrote about what moms really mean when they say they “don’t want anything” for Mother’s Day. I personally thought this post was super-efffing creative, even if it is one of like a billion other Mother’s Day posts.  

On Wednesday I came thiiiiiiis close to eating a Big Mac:

My food-cravings are in direct proportion to my hunger: 

Not that hungry = A salad sounds perfect!

F*cking starving = Big Mac and a milk shake NOW BEFORE I CHEW YOUR FACE OFF.

Ergo: dieting is stupid.

But made chicken breasts instead:

Me: OHMIGOD I’m soooo full.
Husband: Yeah, me too. These breasts are pretty big.

*squint at each other for a few moments like two cowboys in a high-noon duel*

Me: Okay, I’ll take this one – “that’s what he said”?

Husband: YEP.

Mari proved for the gazillionth time that she is freaking awesome:

I’m writing in my room, Mari (age 4) comes in looking overwhelmed, like she’s about to cry.
Me: What’s wrong, sweetie?

Mari: I really feel like I want to stay with you, but I also feel like maybe I want to go to the airport. *sniff*

Me: HUH??? 

Mari: I just feel so confused like I don’t know what to do! I don’t know if I should stay with you or go in an airport and walk around and fly in airplanes.

Me: Uhhh… who’s going to the airport? Oh wait, are you talking about when your grandma goes back to Peru?

Mari: No, I mean when I’m a grown-up. I don’t know if I should live with you or go to the airport! 

Okay. She thinks her only option other than living with me is walking around the airport for the rest of her life. I should probably get off the computer and go explain some shit to her.

And then:

Update: After talking to Mari I figured out that Lucas had been telling her what it would be like to be a pilot (that’s what he wants to be when he grows up) and she was conflicted because she wanted to be with him (“at the airport”) but also didn’t want to leave mommy and daddy.

Later that night, a snake slithered into my flip-flop:

Whoever sent the apocalyptic plague of gross creatures to attack me today, mmmkayyyy you can stop that now thanks. Just now I was walking the dog and kept feeling this little tickle on the bottom of my foot so I looked down and there was a f*cking BABY SNAKE IN MY FLIP-FLOP I shit you not. I have a snake as a pet but that didn’t stop me from screaming like a little sissy and kicking my flip-flop across the street. Then I got inside my house and came one inch of stepping on a big wolf spider. What gives, Mother Nature? 

On Thursday I was super-sore from working out, so: 

When I’m really sore from a workout I have intrusive fantasies about someone taking a rolling pin to my legs

That’s a totally normal thing to think, right?

And hardly anybody liked that post, so I guess it’s actually not that normal and I’m a weirdo. Thanks a lot, guys.

And we had a doctor’s appointment for Mari that made me feel like I was in a movie:

At the doctor for Mari’s 4yo well-visit. I bet every person in this place is an alcoholic on account of listening to these kids scream BLOODY F*CKING MURDER all day long. Seriously, it’s Silence of the Lambs up in here.


But sometimes I think things are funny that other people just don’t think are funny at all. Like this:

Really guys? 23 likes? THAT’S IT??? THIS IS FUNNY ON SO MANY LEVELS: 

1) The dog is up there but HOW DID HE GET UP THERE. 
3) And what kind of asshole goes and gets a camera instead of helping the damn dog. 
4) And probably for other reasons that I can’t think of right now because I’m trying to hurry so I can finish this in time to go to Lucas’ soccer game.

Anyway, I feel betrayed that this only got 23 likes, you guys. Just thought you should know. 

Last night I was reassured that Lucas definitely still has no idea what sex is:

I was letting the kids stay up late in exchange for walking on my back while I lay on the floor, and my husband came and snuggled up close to me. Lucas said, “Ummmm… Dad? Are you ummm… hehe… MATING Mommy?” 

And this video about what moms really want for Mother’s Day, which happens to have been made by a bunch of the women going to BlogU conference, made me snort-laugh:

Maybe someday I’ll get asked to be in a video, too, you guys, if I do enough ass-kissing, I mean, networking, at the conference. 😉


A few other awesome things happened, but I’m too lazy and you’re too busy for me to post every single thing. If you want to get all the Abandoning Pretense updates in Facebook, go the AP page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” I know that’s really stupid and annoying because then your phone will be dinging four times per day and you’ll be like “IS THAT THE NOTIFICATION FOR THE IMPORTANT TEST RESULTS I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR?” but you’ll see it’s just me and you’ll be like “Awww, crap, it’s dumbass Abandoning Pretense posting a video of her dog mouth-breathing in her face. Dammit.” But it’ll be kind of funny and you’ll smile in spite of yourself so it’ll totally be worth it. 


– Kristen


  1. My daughter, age 6 at the time, said to me, “I don’t want to ride the bus to college.” It’s funny the things they worry about.

    • That’s adorable. My kids both WANT to ride the bus (I don’t work and we live like 2 miles from the school).

  2. FUNNY SHIT!! When is your book coming out? I want it! Could you please send me some of that damn drug-laced coffee? I could use a lift….

    • Hopefully next year? I hear the editing process can take forever… And it’s only 1/3 written… so clearly I have a looooooooong way to go. If you could PM with any tips, I sure would be grateful!

  3. Karen Flint

    lmao!!!! Loved all of it. Can’t wait to hear what happens at your conference.