Because Facebook is a greedy corporate whore-monger and you probably missed a bunch of amazing stuff…

The first thing that happened last Saturday was that my heart got broken:

Mari doesn’t have Pokemon cards like the big kids (she had a few but she lost them)… So she made her own by drawing, coloring, and cutting them out, all by herself. She’s only freaking 4!!! What 4yo has the presence of mind to say “Well I don’t have what they have, but I’m not going to just ask for someone to give it to me. Instead, I’ll make my own.”

How pathetic is this? Broke my damn heart.

Later, I exercised (GO ME) and afterward during my cool-down stretch my dog tried to nurse from my breast. He’s obsessed, in case it’s not obvious: 

I exercised today (finally). During my post-workout stretching, Gizmo tried to become one with me. I swear this little dog loves me more than anyone in the world. Seriously look at his paw in the second pic. Pathetic.

There’s no milk in there, ya weirdo.

Look at his paw on my wrist.
He’s all, “MOM? I love you. I fucking LOVE you.”

Saturday night got SUPER-interesting when we discovered our AC was on the fritz! Not cool. (Like literally, NOT COOL. We were sweating and horrendously uncomfortable):

“Oh LOOK, it’s 100 degrees outside! Perfect time to stop doing my job!” 

~things my air conditioning says

But I am a resourceful one:

Sweating balls in my non-air-conditioned house (in FL!), so I did what any sane person would do: made strawberry daiquiris. Still sweaty as shit but the brain-freeze evens it out. #Yay


There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind who, when their AC breaks, are willing to fork over the extra $100 to get a guy out to fix it on a holiday weekend, and the kind who are willing to swim in a pool of their own sweat to save that $100. My husband and I are the latter. Fortunately, we are also the kind of people who use the money we save by being misers to buy annual passes to Disney World. So that’s where we’re headed now (in our air-conditioned car).

At Disney I discovered I am vehemently opposed to hoo-haa-wedgies: 

At Disney World today, I’ve seen like 5 women wearing these one-piece shorts-jumper outfits. I’m gonna go ahead and NEVER wear one of those no matter how trendy they become because HOO-HA WEDGIES. And if you’re into wearing those, AWESOME but just please don’t pretend they’re comfortable, because WE CAN SEE YOUR HOO-HA WEDGIE, okay? We can see it. 

Monday I realized I’m a highly adaptable individual (when it comes to temperature):

Got our AC fixed. I must have acclimated quickly because now I’m freezing at 80 degrees. 

And I exercised again, just in time for someone to send me this:


Wednesday night – I love dogs… humans sometimes not so much:

If you are a person who allows your dog to bark outside relentlessly, I can promise you with 100% certainty that your neighbors have plotted your death.

Thursday I published a post (more of PSA, really) begging all women to sit the frick down on public toilets already (and quit peeing all over the damn seats!!!), and discovered I am not the only person who feels that way.

Then this gem stumbled across my news feed:

I giggled more than was probably appropriate. 


A few other awesome things happened, but I’m too lazy and you’re too busy for me to post every single thing. If you want to get all the Abandoning Pretense updates in Facebook, go to the AP page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” And because FB isn’t going to show you all my hilarious blogposts, be sure to SUBSCRIBE to this blog by entering your email in the little box in the upper-left-hand corner. (Switch to web-mode first if you’re on a mobile device.)

Thanks for reading!

– Kristen


  1. I think I love you, seriously. Also, i am familiar with the hoo-ha wedgie, or as we call it – Camel toe. That can not be comfortable, and you want to ask if their friends hate them. I know if one of my girls was rocking the “mumbler” (explanation for another time) you know I would let a sister know.

  2. Ugh, I HATE FB’s weird post thing. I have one post from this morning that FB claims 0 people saw but 30 people liked. That’s weird. It’s all a strategy to get us to purchase ads anyway, BUT WE WON’T DO IT, RIGHT? Right?