I just took an embarrassingly long nap, you guys. Like I’ll never get over how embarrassed I am about sleeping so long and every time I think of this nap I’ll cringe in shame. No I will NOT tell you how long I slept while my insanely angelic four-year-old played quietly beside me. It’s too embarrassing.

Anyway, all that sleeping almost made me forget to do my weekly wrap-up. But here it is:

Last Saturday, Lucas had a soccer tournament. We got creamed even though supposedly no one’s keeping score (yeah, right). It was painful to watch and after a while we kind of stopped cheering and sat in stunned, bewildered silence. Later, my husband and I were talking about competition with Lucas and this conversation happened:

Discussing competition in sports with Lucas, age 8:

Lucas: I think I’m like, 3rd best on the team.

Me: Well, I’d rather you compete with yourself than against your teammates. You should always try to improve on how you played yesterday. 

Husband: Yeah. Besides, it’s not enough to be the 3rd. You wanna be THE BEST!

My husband does this all the time, by the way; talks over me and says exactly the opposite of what I just said, since after all, he IS the one who read all those parenting books. 

Also on Saturday, I started writing a post about why women should really just sit the f*ck down already when using a public toilet (not published yet, hold your horses) and I thought maybe I should include men in my sit the f*ck down extravaganza. So I did some research:

Don’t ever Google-image search “why men don’t pee sitting down” unless being traumatized is something you really find appealing. 
(Did you know there is such a thing as a mouth-shaped urinal? Ugh.)

And of course you all Googled it. No one ever listens to me.

This was Mari last Sunday:

“This shirt is itchy!”
“This sock is rubbing me!”
“Something is touching me inside my clothes!”
“These shorts feel weird!”

OMG kid, SHUT UP. So I posted:


~Things I say to my children

Then my husband called me old and this happened:

“She’s not OLD! She’s like 23!” 

~Lucas, referring to me. (I’ll be 35 in September.)


The kid knows how to earn a stack of Pokemon cards.

On Sunday night, this happened:

Just dug a water-play table and a pogo-stick out of my neighbor’s trash while walking the dog braless. Now all that’s left to complete my transformation is to take in 14 stray cats and let them use my bathtub as a litter box.

Monday morning we went grocery shopping at Publix where they always give kids a free cookie. If you think I’m a bad mom for always letting them have that cookie so that I can have approximately five minutes of relatively quiet grocery shopping, you can kiss my ass. Anyway, Mari had something totally adorable to say about her cookie:

“I like spwinkles a lot because they’re tasty and good and yummy and spwinkly.”

~Mari, age 4, waxes poetic on cookie-toppings

And I posted a poop story that got way more reads than I expected it to so of course I was SUPER-happy: How my son ruined my favorite Indian restaurant (and why it was all my fault)

Monday night we went to Lucas’ school award ceremony where he won a science award and it inspired me to make this meme:

Can I just tell you guys, whenever I make a meme, I get all heart-fluttery and hopeful that it will go viral. I get weirdly proud, like it’s my baby that I grew for nine months and squeezed out of my girl-hole. (Same with my writing, btw). PLEASE LOVE ME AND EVERYTHING I DO!

Anyone who writes feels this way, just so ya know. If someone tells you they don’t really care if people like what they write or not, they are lying.

And oh did you know I’m a featured writer at BLUNTmoms.com now? I definitely recommend you subscribe to that site – it is exactly what you would suspect it would be based on the title. Anyway, Tuesday they published this piece of mine: 

My Diagnosis – I Have PMS-BS

And then I posted this, one of the funniest memes I’ve ever seen (I didn’t make this one):

And he can probably make lemonade if you give him lemons.

On Wednesday, Mari continued to prove to me that she is the most adorable child ever to grace the earth:

Morning yawns and a red and pink outfit chosen by Mari herself… And I don’t have the heart to tell her it doesn’t match because she’s just too damn adorable.

Wednesday night I attempted to do something good for my health:

Just “oil-pulled” and was fine until I had to spit. Then I threw up in my mouth, which I’m pretty sure defeats the purpose of oil-pulling. 

I want the benefits, but I need to figure out a way to spit without seeing what I’ve spat. 

Wednesday night I wrote one of my favorite things ever (favorite, because CLAY PENIS): My top 16 reasons why I’m SO EFFING READY FOR SCHOOL TO BE DONE and it got shared like a billion times. Okay like 50 times. For me, that’s viral. 

Yesterday I felt like the best mom in the world because this happened:

Setting up my little “office” outside on the patio. It’s times like these that I feel like a huge twat for ever complaining about being a SAHM.

And it was #TBT so I posted this funny pic of myself from when I was a baby. Keep in mind my mom was only 22 when she tied my shirt up and made me look like a tiny hooker:

Dafuq mom, can’t you see my bewilderment? 
And yes, to those who were asking, I was throwing up gang-signs. It’s been a wild life.

Then BLUNTmoms published another piece I wrote and I drooled all over myself with glee: 

And this happened this morning… hours and hours of exhaustive play. Probably why I needed a nap so damn bad.

Playing magical unicorn family is totally the most fun I’ve ever had in my WHOLE LIFE, especially since Mari tells me every single thing I’m supposed to say and won’t let me sit here and fake paying attention. And it’s totally fine that I’m getting throat-cramps from doing the annoying squeaky voices of the baby kitty cat and baby giraffe, because this is SOOO amazingly fun and not boring AT ALL!

Okay it’s actually a tiny bit fun. Look how effin cute she is!

By the way, the kids loved their trash water-table and pogo-stick. They’ve been playing with them all week!


A few other awesome things happened, but I’m too lazy and you’re too busy for me to post every single thing. If you want to get all the Abandoning Pretense updates in Facebook, go to the AP page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” Better yet, SUBSCRIBE to this blog. That way you’ll get me right in your inbox. (Am I the only one who thinks that sounds totally gross? Like is there a porno called “Get me in your inbox”? There totally is, right? Ugh. Yuck.)

Thanks for reading!

– Kristen


  1. Oh my god. I’m a new follower and I don’t know what oil pulling is but I have a few guesses…I am laughing out loud. Going to google it now.

  2. Pingback: ABANDONING PRETENSEStuff Facebook Hid From You Because it's Jealous of Our Special Relationship - ABANDONING PRETENSE