Now the Friday wrap-up is programmed into my phone so I can’t forget it. Unless it’s like birth control, which is also programmed into my phone; in that case I’ll still forget it all the damn time and end up doubling up the next day. But that doesn’t work with Friday wrap-ups DOES IT and besides, you’re not supposed to do that

Anyway, here’s the weekly wrap-up of all the awesome crap you missed because Facebook is a greedy corporate whore-monger:

On Saturday, we took my mother-in-law to Epcot to celebrate Mother’s Day (I know, right? Slow claps are totally welcome. Go ahead. I’ll wait.) 

All done? Okay.

Since I knew I wouldn’t be home to play on Facebook all day, I scheduled some funny stuff:

Just make sure your shorts are longer than your vagina. Otherwise, we’re good:

On the drive home from Epcot, I was trying to figure out whether my husband is a terrible driver or if I’m just turning into one of those little old ladies who keeps inexplicably grabbing her armrests every time she rides in a car. 

You can tell how old a person is by how frequently they grab the car-door handle while riding shot-gun in a car. 

I grab mine a lot. 

It’s probably a little of both.

He was falling asleep though, and after reading several of my blog-posts about him aloud, I ran out of crap to talk about. So: 

My husband is falling asleep while driving home from Epcot so I’m talking like a goat to keep him awake. 

It’s awesome, you should totally hear it.

I was all, “Staaaaaay awaaaaaaaaaaake. Don’t faaaaaaaaaaaall asleeeeeeeeeeeep.” One person asked if I would make a video. If more of you had asked, I might have done it. You really missed out and you’ve only yourselves to blame.

Then I posted this from Baby Sideburns

I’m probably going to make everyone at BlogU really uncomfortable when I can’t stop staring adoringly at Karen Alpert (Baby Sideburns) like this:

She’ll be like, “OMG, Kristen. Get a fucking grip.

Oh sorry, we were supposed to be talking about Facebook.

On Sunday, Mari gave me the perfect Mother’s Day gift of being her usual awesome self: 

Mari, age 4: Mommy, WHY did God make us this way?? *sweeping hand-gesture indicating disappointment with her body*

Me: Uhhh… That’s a good question. What do you think?


And then I posted the following, not having any idea of the chaos it would lead to:

Stuff that has happened today:

1) As I requested to not be woken up with breakfast in bed, I was woken up my children repeatedly “sneaking in” to check if I was awake so they could bring me breakfast in bed.

2) Mari ate half my breakfast (“Mommy, isn’t it kind of perfect that you have TWO pieces of toast?”)

3) Lucas threw a fit because my breakfast in bed didn’t live up to his expectations. 

4) I did not deal with Lucas’ fit. Husband dealt with Lucas’ fit. 

5) I am still in bed.

6) Husband has gone to the store to buy Mimosa stuff.

So far, so good. How’s your Mother’s Day going? 

Many comments came from moms whose husbands hadn’t done anything to encourage their kids to give their mom a nice Mother’s Day or anything whatsoever to give her a day of relaxation. It made me really sad.

Later, I posted this funny:

Now that’s love.

Meanwhile, I was still getting private messages from moms who’d had crappy Mother’s Days. Mine was pretty smashingly awesome, and it made me mad that there were all these husbands out there who weren’t stepping up to give the mother of their children a day of rest, pampering, shopping, or whatever trifling thing she’d asked for. Something, ya know? So… I wrote a thing: To the stupid lazy husbands who can’t figure out Mother’s Day…

And I pissed some people off. Especially when it was posted at But it needed to be said. The main complaint I got from the naysayers was that Mother’s Day is supposed to be about your mother, not your wife. But… your wife is the MOTHER of your children. How in the world could Mother’s Day NOT be about her? WHY DOES THIS NOT MAKE SENSE TO PEOPLE????

I’m still a little pissed. 

I got a little comic relief on Monday: 

Google search that brought someone to my blog today:
“i wish i was a slut”


Seems like it should be obvious, huh.

Lots of people liked this one:

Stand with your legs 18 inches apart and there ya go: Thigh Gap.

On Wednesday I discovered I have cellulite in my arms. IN MY ARMS????


I would like to meet the psychopath who invented overhead fluorescent lighting, so I can punch them in the face. 

It was totally just the lighting.

And more confirmation that Lucas is a genius. (Maybe):

So Lucas made this… uh… thing. He’s calling it a “paper suitcase.” While I realize there is no suitcase more useless than one made out of paper, I’m still impressed. He didn’t use any tape, staples or glue to hold it together. Kinda genius, right? 

Yesterday my kids had this argument:

Kid 1: “Pokemon are NOT real!”
Kid 2: “Yes they ARE! They’re real in my imagination!”

~ Kid Logic

And Lucas forced me to retract my previous assertion of his genius:

In my household, we speak Spanish about 10% of the time…

Lucas: “Mommy, is Spanish just English written backwards?”

My certainty of his genius fluctuates daily.

And I ended the day with:

Was wondering why my boob had been itching all day… just dug a sequin out of my sports bra. 

Someone commented: “TMI,” and I thought:

Seriously. She should read the post I wrote about shaving my hoo-ha.


A few other awesome things happened, but I’m too lazy and you’re too busy for me to post every single thing. If you want to get all the Abandoning Pretense updates in Facebook, go to the AP page, hover over “liked” and click “get notifications.” Better yet, SUBSCRIBE to this blog. That way you’ll get me right in your inbox. (Am I the only one who thinks that sounds totally gross? Like is there a porno called “Get me in your inbox”? There totally is, right? Ugh. Yuck.)

Thanks for reading!

– Kristen


    • It wasn’t mine to begin with… sprinkle all the “DAFUQs” you want all over the place! 😉 xo