I love yoga. I love it so much I want to hug it and snuggle it and squish it all to itty bitty pieces. So when a friend suggested I might enjoy naked yoga, I thought, Hmmm, sure, why not? Immediately followed by, Wait wait wait, what the hell? NO! That’s a thing??? (It’s a thing.) And then, Really, friend? You do naked yoga, really? (She does.) And also, But friend, terrible things can happen when you bend yourself in weird ways while in the nude! (Wait, what?)
I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, right: Naked yoga. The spreading of things that are best left unspread. The flopping of things that are best left unflopped. The stretching of things that are best–okay, I’ll stop now.
With these mental images sucking me into a black hole of despair, I did what any reasonable person would do: I set out to convince my friend she was insane. I decided I could get her to come ’round to my way of thinking by making a list of reasons why naked yoga is a terrible idea. However, I got stuck after three things because evidently I have no imagination whatsoever, and was thus forced to use the Google Machine to drum up some inspiration. After an indeterminate amount of time (I must have blacked out), I came to in front of my laptop having just watched a bunch of naked hippies squat, balance, extend and twist for six minutes. Naked squatting, you guys. Let that sink in for a minute. I might finally agree to therapy after all.
Perhaps the most traumatizing thing I witnessed was one double-jointed girl doing … something, I’m not sure what … wearing only this:
In case you were wondering (how could you not be), yes, there were men in the video as well. One guy demonstrated a yoga posture I’ve not personally witnessed as of yet; I’m not sure what it’s called because they didn’t say, but I’m guessing it’s something like “Dance of the Optimistic Chicken.” Yeah, that’s probably it. (And however much flapping you’re imagining, multiply it times a trillion.)
Anyway. Here are 10 reasons naked yoga is a terrible idea:
1. There are certain angles from which we really should not view ourselves, no matter how solid our body confidence.
2. It could traumatize our neighbors.
3. Or invite indecent proposals from our neighbors.
4. There is a whole series of postures requiring one to sit on the floor and bend one’s torso over one’s legs. All of these postures smear one’s vagina into the mat. Do we really want to smear our naked vaginas onto our yoga mats? No. No, we don’t. (Related: If you ever need to borrow a friend’s yoga mat, ask questions first.)
5. Your post-baby breasts will swing into your face when you least expect it. This can be very startling, and yoga is supposed to be a calming activity.
6. Nothing says “cat and cow” pose like realizing you actually have udders.
7. Plough pose + public hair. Enough said.
8. Without clothes to soak up sweat, your mat could get very, very sweaty. This is just asking for trouble.
9. When they say “half moon” posture, naked yoga… is not what they meant.
10. You could conceivably fart in your own face.
Well, awesome, I just read this to my husband and he says he thinks naked yoga sounds like a great idea.
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16 Comments
Ha ha ha ha. Number 10 would have been enough for me all by itself. I’m glad we’re on the same page here because I’m NOT doing naked yoga with you at sunrise when I come to visit 😉
hahaha WELL GOOD.
Not that I really needed convincing, but #4 and mention of smearing one’s vag on the yoga mat pretty much put the nail in the pale, fleshy coffin of nude yoga. No. No, no, no, no. I’d like to add that if the person in the picture for #10 were a man, that pose could be called “How to Teabag Yourself During Naked Yoga.”
Hahaha – I actually almost put that in there!
Those are all very good reasons. I only need one: NO.
Yeah, me too, but I needed more words than that. 😉
It’s clearly wrong. On the face of it and for all the reasons you listed. 😉
I love yoga too. But the idea of being slapped by my own tits while at it, or suffocated by them (plough pose) or the risk of self-farting in my face would completely disrupt my quest for inner balance. Let’s not even mention the asanas you need to do together with someone else. I mean, what if they pee a little while you hold them up with your feet under their shoulder blades???
No. Just No.
Hahaha, yeah, partner yoga … that’s a whole other post!
I never thought about it, but you’re absolutely right about the clothes soaking up the sweat and keeping the mat dry. Kind of. I sweat like a sonofabitch when I do yoga, which is why I don’t do yoga.
Okay, this also brings up a whole bunch of aesthetics questions.
Do you have to start… ahem… “mowing the lawn.” so to speak?
Does one need to be bald as a baby?
How about the shaving of the legs during winter? I take winter as a freebie to not shave.
And men! Do they need to “manscape?”
It sounds like too much work. Yoga sounds like too much work without worrying if my lady bits are well enough groomed to go to class that day.
Omfg, I almost peed myself laughing so hard at this post! Screaming! :))
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I literally had water fly out my nose reading this! THIS… made my day. Thank you so much !
I’ve tried yoga several times at the urging of friends and even my Dr.! I’m a plus sized gal ( I choose to call it fluffy). Well, let’s just say… yoga and I have a love hate relationship. I LOVE to dream about being able to do it, but every time I try, I’m convinced the skinny, and very flexible lady in the video is out to kill me! OMG… I’ve hurt myself each time! Don’t get me wrong… she’s lovely and all, but I’m thinking… she wants me to die. ( not seriously, don’t call the po po and the white jackets quite yet, but it is what I’ve told my Dr. )
I’d be happy to be able to do Yoga with clothes on and not almost die! Naked… oh man.. I’d probably be fined and locked up in a potato sack for the rest of my life!
THANK you again for making me laugh and cleaning my sinuses with ice water!
Lisa
Haha! Making people squirt liquids through their nose is pretty much my favorite thing to do! woohoo!
Not going to lie, I’ve occasionally done a few asanas in the buff. But never a full practice. Lucky for me plow pose always ends with me motorboating myself and worrying that I may suffocate in there.