– By Mary Widdicks of Outmanned
At 9:00 a.m. this morning, I held my little man’s hand as we trudged through the grass in the sweltering heat of the summer toward his future. Okay, technically we were trudging toward The Little Gym, but in the moment it felt like we were passing through some sort of portal. When I entered the portal, I was leading my baby by the hand toward his first ever independent day camp, and when I passed through the other side, I was being pulled forward by a big kid who was telling me to “hurry up” so he didn’t miss any of the fun. The funny thing is while the passage pushed him into a new chapter in his life, it pulled me back more violently than I expected.
Every mom has a story about the first time they leave their child, whether its daycare when they’re one, preschool when they’re two, Day Camp when they’re three, or Kindergarten when they’re five. The age isn’t important. It hurts the same for us all. But what surprised me was how bittersweet the moment felt. I looked into his chubby little face as I told him that I was going to leave and that I’d be back to pick him up in a few hours, and I was waiting for the tears to start. He looked briefly into my eyes with worry, and in that moment it took everything I had not to scoop him into my arms and promise never to leave him.
I mean, I could always use a brush up on grade school, right?
But the fleeting moment of fear passed and I saw him grow up before my eyes. He swallowed hard once, crammed his hands in his little jeans pockets, turned away from me and joined the rest of the kids in the gym. That’s when it really hit me. I’d been so worried about how he would feel about being alone that I never stopped to think about how I would feel. Sure, I was proud of him for being so grown up, but I was also sad to realize that my first baby was gone and had been replaced by a wonderful, smart, funny, independent child.
The only way I can describe the feeling is that my heart broke with joy. I think this is a feeling that only another parent can understand. From the moment our babies are born, they are in the business of growing up and pulling away from us. It’s our job to guide them as best we can along the way so they can fulfill their potential as human beings. Part of fulfilling that potential is to learn how to navigate the world on their own: without our help.
We spend a significant portion of our days urging them, begging them even, to do things for themselves.
Please use your own fork to eat dinner.
Please brush your own teeth.
Please put on your own shoes and jacket.
And for heaven’s sake, please wipe your own butt!
We push them, sometimes harder than we mean to, to grow up. Then one day, almost all at once, they do. You’d think we’d be prepared for it after all our pushing, but we’re not. I wasn’t.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be back to pushing him toward another milestone in his life, because that’s what parents do, but today I’m just taking a moment to mourn the passing of my first-born baby and to celebrate his arrival into childhood. When I pick him up, I’ll probably hug him harder and longer than he will like, but I won’t care.
In the middle of the night tonight, when my youngest son wakes up crying for milk, I’ll try to remember how quickly these days go by and how before I know it he will be pulling me through the door for his first day of school.
It’s an amazing and wonderful privilege to watch a child grow from a helpless infant to a fully functioning miniature adult in just three short years, but it’s hard not to feel like they’re leaving you behind. They are speeding through life as such extraordinary speeds, and you are mostly standing still (well, maybe not as still as we would like sometimes when we find another wrinkle or our first gray hair). All we can do is hold on to them as long as we can and know when they need us to let go.
For now, I’m going to shed a few tears, suck it up, and go breastfeed my next little person, and try and prepare myself to go through this all over again.
— — — — —
Mary Widdicks is a 31 year old mother of two boys and two male dogs. Once a cognitive psychologist, she now spends her time trying to outsmart her kids (and failing!). She is the writer behind the humorous parenting blog Outmanned, where she turns for entertainment when she can’t take any more fart jokes or belching contests. Mary’s writing has been featured on parenting sites such as Mamapedia, Mamalode, and Scary Mommy. She has also been honored as a 2014 Voice of the Year by BlogHer, and Badass Blogger of the Year by The Indie Chicks. You can follow Mary on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
12 Comments
This: “my heart broke with joy.” YES.
I have 4 and lemme tell you, it doesn’t get any easier. My twins are starting grade 1 this year. I will sob with both sadness and extreme joy.
I can imagine. I will have three soon and I can hardly look at my second without weeping that he’ll no longer be “the baby”.
Thanks for having me over on AP!!
I love this. I got a little teary, mostly because when I left my little man at preschool today he started playing immediately and then said, “Out, Mommy. Please to get out.”
I mean, really, all I did was feed you WITH THE MILK OF MY BREAST for a year, and listen incessantly for your cries, and clean up your poop and food messes, and kiss your boo-boos, and love you unconditionally. But I’ll get out so you can play with toys. It’s cool.
Yep, that’s exactly how it went with mine. I’m sure there will be days in the future when he won’t let go of my leg, but I felt a little abandoned on that first day 😛
This is so sweet.
Thanks 🙂
Ugh. Brennan is starting preschool this year. ALL my babies will be in school! One in high school, one in junior high, one in elementary school, and one in preschool. Be still my heart.
I feel like it will be SO LONG before all my kids are in school, but I know when the day comes I’ll feel sad. Silly hormones.
Just wait till college! Leaving tomorrow! But at least Ill finally get a good nights sleep!
So funny that I would read this today. My darling first born just graduated college with a degree in education in December or January (does it really make a difference what month? she graduated with honors). She worked as a teacher aid for the last school semester. She just landed a teaching position. It just struck me she is an official grown up. She is a teacher. Oh my. it must be very warm in here as my eyes have begun sweating profusely. Parenting sometimes is so heartbreakingly wonderful.