If Humans Were More Like Dogs… by Lisa Newlin

My hilarious friend Lisa is what many would label a doggy fur mom. Some people have issues with fur moms — women who love their doggies as much as if they were human babies — but I don’t have a problem with them. You know why? Because I get it. Dogs love you unconditionally, are unfailingly loyal, never get mad at you, and don’t talk back. And you can crate them if they’re getting into trouble. Word on the street is, you can’t do that with kids. Anyway. The point is, dogs are super easy to love. I’ve said many times I wish humans behaved more like dogs, and today, Lisa is going to tell you exactly what that would entail… <<< meheh, see what I did there? “Entail“? Sorry. Just read Lisa’s post. ~Kristen

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I love dogs and I always have.  In fact, my first word was “doggy,” which undoubtedly scared the crap out of my parents.  I can only imagine how worried they must have been when they heard me repeatedly utter “doggy,” all the while wondering if I was going to be an animal-lover or an animal OF a lover with a proclivity for that one favorite position.

Fortunately for everyone, it was the former.

Dogs have always been there for me over the years and they continue to do so.  They make the best companions, and not just because they don’t judge when you eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself.  It’s also because you don’t have to share said ice cream with them.

But it’s not just their willingness to look the other way when it comes to dairy products that makes them our besties.  Dogs have many other qualities that make them both lovable and loyal.

Come to think of it, we could learn a lot from our canine companions.  From grooming techniques to greeting styles, maybe life wouldn’t be so bad if humans were more like dogs.  Here are a few reasons why.

We would be more easily entertained

We could readily cancel our cable and Netflix subscriptions, as there would be no need for constant access to television and video games anymore.  Gone would be the nights of watching Law and Order marathons.  Instead, “chasing my tail” and “catching my tail” would be at the top of the “to do” list.

Unfortunately, “catching my tail” would never find its way to the “completed” list.

We would be more likely to hop into bed with anyone

Many dogs are snuggle sluts, hopping from one bed to the next looking for someone who is ready to snuggle and sleep.  Maybe it’s just my dogs, but I doubt it.  I like to think I’m raising my boys to be upstanding men who don’t hit it and quit it. True, my dogs can be slutty, but I think that’s just canines in general.  If there’s a bed with a breathing body in it, they’re going to jump in it and hope to get their snuggle on.

Come to think of it, I knew some girls in college who did exactly this…

We would take a lot more naps

I’m not sure if we would tire more easily as canines or if we would just be more accepting of nap time, but either way, if we were more like dogs we would take far more naps.

We also wouldn’t be picky about where we curled up to snooze.  From the ground to the couch to the floor in the kitchen, we would all pay less attention to where we were sleeping and spend more attention focusing on getting those much-needed zzzzzs.

The term “up someone’s ass” would apply

Literally.  We would literally be up each other’s asses, or at least nose-deep in them.

We would be excited about everything that passed the house

From a car to a kid on a bike to a squirrel with an acorn, anyone passing by our house would evoke excitement.  We wouldn’t need television or books to keep us entertained, as the bouncing bunnies in the yard would keep us fixated for hours.  Any movement would incite incessant barking, even if we soon realized the moving item was not a threat to our home.

We would get a lot more exercise

If humans were more like dogs we would be much more focused on physical fitness.  (Or at least this human would be.)  We wouldn’t try to avoid going to the gym by complaining our spleen was tired or arguing that we need to give the workout machines a day off.  Instead, if we were more like dogs, walks would be required at least three times a day.

Running around in the yard with others would also be a staple as well, and it wouldn’t be only when we’re trying to escape that bitch of a wasp whose sole purpose in life is to sting us while in the presence of family and friends.

Instead, we would simply run and frolic for fun…a concept foreign to some of us.

We would take more pride in our oral hygiene

If instead of handshakes and hellos we switched to face licks and slobbery kisses, humans would make brushing and flossing a top priority.  Although I tell my dentist that flossing is the first thing I do every morning, that’s not entirely true….it’s the first thing I do every morning I have a dentist appointment.  But hey, it’s a start.

We would drink less alcohol

Since our canine friends don’t drink alcohol, we would have no choice but to put away our mixed drinks in favor of toilet water.  Then again, “toilet water” sounds like an excellent name for a mixed drink.

I’m sure there are other ways the world would be different if humans were more like dogs, but I’ve run out of patience my attention span is so low.  Plus, it’s time to go potty outside and I’ve got to get back to chewing on table legs and licking my privates.

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Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life. She shouldn’t be allowed around sharp objects, anything breakable, or anything with carbohydrates. She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything.

Lisa has convinced Nickmom.com to let her write for them even though she’s not a mom.  Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Bustle, Blunt Moms, Erma Bombeck, In The Powder Room, Humor Outcasts and other sites.

She writes a syndicated column and her blog, http://lisanewlin.com, will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything, except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.

She’s also one of the co-authors of the bestselling humor anthologies, “I Just Want To Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter @Lisa_Newlin or her blog at http://lisanewlin.com.