Every year, at the end of summer, the internet implodes on itself because it can’t support the billions of articles and blog-posts written by stay-at-home-moms who are frothing at the mouth and doing naked jiggly dances in the street over how delighted they are for their kids to finally be going back to school.

Personally, I am perplexed by this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally on-board the “kids are annoying as hell” train, but I think we all need to simmer down and cultivate a little perspective. I think summertime is way better than school-time. And here’s why:

1. I finally get to sleep in a little (or a lot – thanks, Netflix!), and I don’t have to drag my snarling demon-spawn out of bed either.

2. I no longer have to scream at my nine-year-old 10 billion times to stop singing “Let it Go” at himself in the mirror and hurry up and brush his freakin’ teeth already.

3. I don’t have to pack my son’s lunch before I’ve even had a cup of coffee.

4. Pajamas. ALL DAY LONG.

5. No morning temper-tantrums about clothes that “rub me” or “feel weird.” Wear whateverthefrick you want, kids. Yay!!!

6. Flip-flops.

7. There’s nowhere we absolutely HAVE to be. Sure, I signed the kids up for gymnastics, but it’s not like school; children’s services is not going to stop by if I don’t show up for two weeks in a row.

8. No more dealing with dick-wad parents who think they’re too good to abide by car-loop procedures.

9. No more homework battles.

10. No more contemplating throwing myself in front of a bus over school projects like this:

Those cotton-ball clouds nearly gave me an aneurysm.

Or this:

Each of those paragraphs took approximately one year off of my life.

Or… this:

The highlight of our year. It’s a totem-pole. Obviously.

11. Swimming. Okay, my five-year-old still needs nonstop supervision and that’s kind of a pain in my ass, but it’s still considerably less painful than having to fake being proud of the clay penis my son molded in social studies.

12. No more teacher’s conferences where my kid’s teacher politely implies maybe he should be medicated for his ADHD.

13. No more annoying fundraisers. Like I really wanted to buy giant tubs of cookie-dough to store in my freezer right after the holidays? HELLO, I already feel fat. And by the way, everyfreakingperson I know did all the same exact fundraisers we did. Who the heck was I supposed to sell that stuff to???

14. Now that my nine-year-old is home, my five-year-old finally has someone to play with besides me. Thank Goddddddddddddddd.

15. No more after-school scurrying all over town to extracurricular activities and rushing home to cook a crap dinner because there’s no time or mental energy to put into making something nutritious.

16. I can let my kids stay up later so they can do important stuff like walk on my back, brush my hair or watch Disney movies and eat popcorn with me.

Yeah. All that. See why I don’t understand the panic attacks moms have over having their kids home? Obviously kids can be as irritating as a chimp on crack when they’re up in our business all day long without a moment’s reprieve, but let’s be honest, fellow stay-at-home-moms. School is worse.

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  1. And because if the seven year old isn’t at school all day she won’t come home exhausted and cranky and we might actually get to see some of the “sweet girl” we hear she is at school!

    • Ugh. Yes!!! My normally sweet son comes home so tired and grumpy sometimes I just wanna punch him in the head!

  2. My kids are still young enough that summer has no special meaning to me. But it sounds like summers are a lot of fun in your house 😉

  3. Anonymous

    Jessie! I agree on that one all the way!! I always lovingly say that I get “what’s left” of my 6 year old after school. Today was one of those days for sure!

  4. I looooove you! Seriously, AMEN to all of those. Even just sleeping in is worth it to me. And that penis. Omg. We had a project tonight that I thought was going to be the death of me, so I feel you.

    • Yeah, the Peru one was the last one. I almost offered my 8yo a glass of wine to celebrate. I seriously lost my head for a minute. 😉

  5. Nona Wright

    I just got some funny looks at work, because I busted up laughing at the “totem pole” I agree about one of the great things is no more school projects…especially when they are generally remembered an hour before bed and due the next day.

  6. hahaha! This is hilarious – great post! I thought my kids were the only ones who freaked about clothing that “feels weird”! My son won’t wear shoes he can’t “cross his toes in” ….it’s a battle everyday!
    I’m looking forward to summer too – but I work so the downside being the extra cost in daycare which “sucks donkey balls!”

    • I’ve never heard the “cross toes” thing – that is hilarious! (when it’s someone other than me who has to deal with it)

  7. OMG LOVE this post, agree to everythg but the part about sleeping in – my kids get up freaking EARLIER on weekends and summer mornings (6am) and my clueless husband who leaves the house at 6:45 feels that I STILL need to be up supervising them even though they will be rising first and third graders – clearly f’ing ridiculous in my book!!!!!! And yes my MOST favorite part of this post is MOST definitely the pen oh I mean totem pole!!!!

    • Well I suppose it depends on the child… when my son was 4 he couldn’t be trusted. But my daughter is only 4 and she would never do anything she wasn’t expressly given permission to do. She’s my “compliant” one. =) Could you put a TV in your room and let them play in bed and watch TV while you sleep? Seriously, people do this. It doesn’t make you a bad mom! You can do pinterest projects when you wake up!

  8. I so agree with this entire post!!! Especially number 5 because one more meltdown over the way these jeans hurt my stomach or I can’t do sit-ups in these pants will make me stab myself in the eye!

    • My son’s school wears uniforms… he has to wear a freaking BELT. Can you IMAGINE???? It’s like they’re TRYING to torture us.

  9. YES! And my kids are so laid back during the summer. No more tears b/c friend A is mad at friend B and they are both being mean to her. And besides that there’s summer camp! 😀

    • Yep I’ve got my kids signed up for a couple of things so the summer won’t be a TOTAL loss. And we do activities and reading at home. But yeah, everything is wayyy laid back. I love it.

  10. I also work, so I have the added cost of “camp” (AKA their after school program, but all day). However, the peace of not having to fight over spelling words, math worksheets, Culturegram whatever the fuck projects does make up for a lot. The only down side is that my 11 year old is convinced that he is too mature and sophisticated for something as juvenile as camp and acts like an asshole for the first two weeks. He settles down, but it takes awhile to convince him that he is NOT 11 going on 24, but 11 going on twelve, and he should calm the fuck down and get with the program. Also, I don’t have to spend hours of my life trying to figure out where their jacket or mittens are (answer: AT SCHOOL), or fighting with them because they want to wear shorts in November.

    • Would it kill them to wear shorts in November? It’s below freezing here at that time of year and when my son (he’s 7 now, but we’ve been using varying forms of this ‘technique’ since he was 3) comes up with a gem like that one, I tell him to poke his head outside and then decide. If he still wants to, then by gosh-by golly, it’s on. The only caveat being that once we’re out the door, he can’t change his mind. It’s never taken longer than one day for mother nature to sort it out for me. So much easier – and I’m not the bad guy! Just a suggestion….

  11. I love you. I think I would marry you if I were gay.
    Regarding the third picture on number ten — you need to make more of these, call them Demon Dongs, and market them to lonely Goth women.
    I will be subscribing for sure. Check out my blog if you have time.

  12. Holy batshit I could have totally written this post. I’ve either lived it or living it right now. And that totem pole is a gem.

  13. I think we have the same children. Except I only have one.
    With the ADHD, and the clothing sensitivity Hell.

    Is it weird I thought that school project said “Perv”? hahahaha My kind of project.

    While I can totally appreciate and agree with you about the good reasons for school to be over, I can’t hack summer. There aren’t enough grapes to make enough wine to get me through a summer without camp.

    This is my new favorite blog. And I will fight Lisa to marry you.