I’m tired of going into a public restroom and having to skip from stall to stall trying to find a toilet free of pee-droplets so my poor kid can use the potty, or so I can use the potty without squatting. This is getting ridiculous.
Ladies? Can we just maybe go ahead and sit down on public toilets? I’m talking to you, squatters!
I understand the anxiety of having your thighs and half of your butt-cheeks touch a place that was recently touched by a complete stranger’s thighs and half of her butt-cheeks. That’s icky enough on its own.
And even worse than the horror of swapping dead skin-cells with strangers is the crippling revulsion that you might accidentally sit in stranger-pee. I’m pretty sure there is a special corner of hell reserved for arsonists and puppy-kickers where they have to repeatedly sit down in a puddle of someone else’s urine for all of eternity.
So if you’re a squatter, I get it. I really do.
But if you’re squatting in an effort to avoid potentially smearing your thighs in the bodily fluids of complete strangers, you are not part of the solution; you are, in fact, THE PROBLEM.
YOU are ruining peeing sitting down for everyone else.
The problem with squatting is that we women can’t control where our pee goes, which is kind of the reason toilet seats were invented in the first place. A woman’s anatomy is such that, in squat position, our pee is practically guaranteed to hit unintended targets. We’re not like men, armed with what amounts to a water gun made of flesh. (Super not-fair, God.) Squatting, a woman’s pee could just as easily spray like the “mist” function on a garden hose attachment as squirt straight down into the toilet. It could get on her clothes. Her shoes. The floor. And it will definitely get on the toilet seat. Also? Squatting is exercise. Do we really want to mix exercise with excrement? Don’t even get me started on trying to do a number two while squatting. I’d rather get punched in the face by an angry monkey.
Dear phobia-encumbered squatters, if you enter a bathroom stall equipped with an unblemished toilet seat and you squat instead of sitting down, you just totally screwed everyone else’s chance at getting to sit down and take a pee on that particular toilet for the rest of the day, or until the cleaning people come and wipe your nasty mess up. (And by the way, that is so wrong – I know it’s “their job” to clean the toilets and everything, but do you really need to make the task even more disgusting than it already is just because you’re afraid to sit on the stupid toilet? Come ON.) When you squat-pee, a.k.a. pee all over the toilet seat, everyone who uses that toilet after you sees your foul yellow droplets on the toilet seat and has to A) choose another stall, B) clean your pee with a wad of toilet paper or C) squat like you did. All of these options suck.
WHICH IS WHY WE JUST NEED TO ALL AGREE TO SIT. And I mean all of us, as in, the entire female gender. This plan only works if we agree all together to do it as one – like herd immunity for public toilets. And as an added bonus, let’s also agree to keep our thighs and butt-cheeks clean, mkay ladies? If we can confidently rely on each other’s non-funkiness it will be that much easier to “take the plunge,” so to speak. (And by the way, it should go without saying that this rule doesn’t apply to porta-potties. In porta-potties, you don’t sit no matter what, even if it means peeing all over yourself.)
If we all agree to sit down on the toilet seat because HELLO that’s why it was invented, we will never again have to worry about sitting in someone else’s pee or getting our own pee all over ourselves in an attempt to avoid sitting in someone else’s pee. Everyone wins and nobody has to touch pee.
Squatters? What do you say? PLEASE. My kid needs to pee.
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| For God’s sake. Take one for the team. |
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37 Comments
We need a way to make public restrooms less of a horrifying place for the female of the species! They’re a scary, scary place!!
Well this is a start, right? 😉
in europe there is just a porcelain hole in the ground with a place for your feet on either side. It was a more sanitary way to pee than sitting on a pot.
Yes, I’ve been, and I have to respectfully disagree that it was sanitary. I couldn’t keep my balance while simultaneously keeping my pants off the ground, which was covered in TP and urine. 🙁
I don’t understand phobias or people getting grossed out. Guess that’s why I can work in health care and nothing grosses me out. And let me tell you, I’ve seen some sick sh**. Well, except for the man with maggots in his back wound. THAT was gross. And smelly. Definitely smelly.
Um… thanks for that image, which can never be erased from my mind. lol
Right there with Amy I too work in health care and seen it all ..Sit for God’s Sake!
K- I’ve got all kinds of images I can describe for you! Many involving public restrooms. (We also run a furniture store) guess who gets to clean that sh** up? And I’m being literal when I say sh**.
Amen, amen, amen! Just wipe the seat with tp to make sure it’s ok, and then sit your butt down!!!
Honestly I don’t even wipe the seat if it looks clean. I will hop from stall to stall until I find one satisfactory, though.
I carry clorox wipes in my purse for this very reason! One quick wipe & i am a happy lady/mommy. I’d rather sit on wet cleaning fluid than other peoples’ pee. And I don’t have to squat 🙂
I use wipies! =)
I’m with you on this one. But if someone insists on squatting, then for fuck’s sake, CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS. It’s not cool to make others do it–not cool at all.
P.S. This made me guffaw: “Do we really want to mix exercise with excrement?”
Totally with you on the cleaning up of you own mess. Kind of ridiculous that it needs to be said at all. And I’m glad I made you guffaw. 😉
Hellz to the yes!
The sad part about it, is that most* men are cleaner then the women
Yes! Yes! Yes! I have a women’s health book written by an M.D. she says: ” In more than twenty years of gynecological practice, I never saw a single case where a woman caught a disease from a toilet seat -not ONE!”
So sit down already people, sheesh!!!
Even the M.D. agrees with me. I feel so validated. =)
I can assure you our grandmothers were never squatters. My Grammy used to cover that puppy with layers of TP, whilst I stood crossing my knees in hopes I didn’t wet myself before she finished making that germ laden seat safe enough for her princess.
So true about the crossing of the knees! Usually by the time I can get to a toilet, I’m crossing my knees and trying to get my pants down in time. I don’t have time for putting tp on the seat!
I’ve always been a sitter. It wasn’t until adulthood that I even discovered the fact that some ladies are hovering over the toilet.
However, I would rather literally stand there and pee all over myself wherever I’m at than even step foot in a porta-potty. Seriously, I once squatted behind a car and peed in the grass because I refused to use the porta-potty. Because I’m class like that.
There is NOTHING classy about a porta-potty, so anything you do to avoid peeing in one MUST be classy.
I’m also contemplating to let my boys sit rather than standing with their water guns made out of flesh. I never SEE their pee droplets and yet, every. single. time. I sit on pee when going to toilet… this ends up with me having to take a gypsy bath with lots and lots of wet wipes afterwards. Would it be such a bad idea for boys to sit and just let it hang?
I hear ya. I potty-trained my kid to sit. He stands now and has better aim than my husband. Because a couple of times that he missed I made him clean the whole damn toilet with a toothbrush.
I am totally with you on this one! If you’re worried, just give the seat a wipe down with some toilet paper; no need to be paranoid about it. For those who can’t bring themselves to sit, please clean up after yourself!
I carry wipies. If there’s any question as to the toilet’s cleanliness, out come the wipes. =)
I’ve got a confession to make. I don’t know how to tell you this but….
I squat.
I do, I’m a squatter.
But, in my defense, I WIPE THE SEAT after I sprinkle when I tinkle. I’ve read and adhere to the signs. I can’t speak for the rest of the messy squatters out there, but I squat and I clean up my mess.
Do you still respect me?
That you wipe the seat is grounds for pardon. 😉
I squat too, unless I have to poop. And I clean up after myself like a lady should!
AMEN! I’ve been saying this for years! If we all sit, all of our pee will go INSIDE the toilet. Crazy idea. Or at least clean up after yourself… It’s your own damned piss, people!
It’s not rocket science, ya know?
Completely agree. This is totally one of my pet peeves. As for squatting being more sanitary…Only if European squatty potty’s are different than the ones here in China. Let me just say, if you think public restrooms in the US are disgusting, you haven’t seen anything yet. Imagine a country with over a billion people all squatting, in public restrooms that usually don’t have toilet paper or hand soap in them. Need to write my own blog post about this. Then there is the problem of flushing. Even if you have managed to not pee on yourself while squatting, which I admit is no easy task the flush mechanism is so powerful that it sprays water and you know what all over the floor. Definitely a no win situation. If you want an even more challenging situation, try using a squatty potty on a moving train, while 6 1/2 months pregnant. Kristen thanks again for staring this revolution. I’m in.
Well if we convert the Chinese, NO ONE CAN STOP US. Who’s in???
I am going to print this out and tape it up in my office restroom.
Haha, you are more than welcome!
Amen, amen, AMEN! SIT THE FUCK DOWN. When in the history of ever did you hear anyone say, “Yeah, I contracted this weird thigh disease from sitting on a toilet seat”? Unless you have open sores on your thighs (in which case, you should see a doctor about that shit) you are NOT going to catch anything sitting on a toilet! Gah!
Porta-potties are another matter. I would rather do ANYTHING than use one of those nasty things. And when I go to my husband’s softball games, and I see guys come out of there, and head right over to the picnic table for some chips, and then offer me some, I just say, “Yeah, no thanks, I’m full.” ICK.
I just threw up in my mouth.