Help Wanted for the World's Toughest Job

– By Brooke Takhar – a woman who is just a tiny bit afraid of her kid.

For all you young and desperate freshly-collegiate job-seekers looking to expand your employment horizons, BOY HOWDY, do I have JUST the job for you! I’m seeking to fill a semi-part-time position immediately (I need you on call, but I’m not able to provide healthcare other than Motrin and leftover ABSORBATRON maxi pads from when I gave birth).

You might read this ad and think, well this sounds like just about the Worst Job Ever, but I know for a fact that a service exists wherein you scale people’s fences and pick up their dog’s fecal matter, so in fact you’re wrong. When you’re off-shift (midnight on Tuesdays and 1:00-1:15 P.M. on Sundays) and at the pub, would you rather tell that cute boy wanting to buy you a drink (which you’re allowed to have because frankly alcohol will make my demands seem 25% more sane) that you corral shit all day every day OR just deal with my shit? Yeah, I thought so.

Here, in no particular order of importance, are the duties required:

Must think sleep is grossly over-rated

If my child suddenly wails out “MOOOOOOMMMY” at 3:30 am due to a bad dream about a mountain lion on her back, I will need you to shove on a shitty wig, shitty tank top and spritz a mild dirty asshole breath spray into your mouth to accurately impersonate me in order to go attend to her. Some firm back rubs and “husssshhhh” noises for 5 minutes will do the trick. Basically I want to eliminate “bolting upright” from my nightly routine, otherwise I get this crooked half-face in the morning to contend with.

M.A.C makeup brushes are good, but they aren’t THAT GOOD.

Can you tell I’m in pain?

Must have non-existent gag reflexes

You must be willing and able to clean that one ungodly nook of the bathroom floor between the wall and the toilet. Bonus: there should be enough hair down there to fashion your own fake me wig, so, cost saving! Keep an eye out for errant used dental floss – that hellish string has never once landed in the trash can where it’s supposed to. You can’t miss it – if you have never smelled used floss, just follow your nose to “devil’s G-string” and you’ll get what I’m talking about.

Very, very scary.

Must have curated at least 3 separate Pinterest boards about food

You will need the ability to inventory the kitchen, where 75% of my monthly budget is blown, and know how to formulate something (ANYTHING) from the random miscellany. Currently, the pantry is one giant failed episode of Chopped. Except my husband isn’t awed when I put pesto in ice cream. Or serve this with a poorly cored apple:

I don’t understand why he doesn’t like this. It’s CHEESE.

Must dabble in the Dark Arts

I need you to cast a sorcery spell to make my food look like Daycare Food. At daycare Stella will eat flaxseed pumpkin muffins. At home she eats hamburger buns with butter. At daycare Stella will eat chili with nacho chips. At home she eats skittles and an egg with 4L of ketchup on it. At daycare Stella will eat yogurt on rice cakes. At home she eats 4 of 7 pieces of apple I have cut for her, but only after carefully eyeballing for any that are “dirty” or “brokened.” The most exotic food item I can get past her picky lips is jam. This is her reaction when I suggest “spaghetti!” I need some fucking help.

She scares me a little. There. I said it.

Let me sweeten the deal by revealing the payment options. You can choose either my entire collection of used Sex and the City DVD’s that I may have paid a small fortune for seconds before Blockbuster and the entire DVD industry took a huge shit and died OR I’ll dedicate my first book to you. Your name will come right after my family, friends, and childhood dog that was paralyzed and had to use a doggy half-wheelchair and then with the help of of McDonald’s french fries regained the use of her back legs.

Does this sound like a job you’d like to tackle? Or would you rather take a huge shit on your fancy collegiate degree and leave it smoking on your Dad’s doorstep? Didn’t think so. Please send your resume and cover letter to [email protected].

Thank you and good luck!

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Brooke Takhar is a Vancouver-based mama to one goon and busy body to all. She loves the Internet, glittery nail polish, over-sharing and teaching her kid outdated dance moves. If you really love her, you’ll fight in public. Find more of her words at missteenussr.com and on Twitter at @missteenussr.

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