Husbands, when your wife tells you “That’s okay, dear. Don’t plan anything big for me; I don’t want anything for Mother’s Day!” many of you become confused and think she’s saying “I don’t want expensive jewelry,” “I don’t want a new Coach bag” or “I don’t want a Mother’s Day card.”

That’s totally not what she’s saying.

What she’s really saying when she says “I don’t want anything for Mother’s Day” is THIS:

I don’t want anything to wake me up the night before Mother’s Day. I want a FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP. When you feel me nudge you (instead of the other way around) and I say, “one of the kids is crying,” you get up.

I don’t want anything to wake me up in the morning either, not even breakfast in bed. I want to sleep in. If you have big plans for breakfast in bed, WAIT UNTIL I WAKE UP, let me pee and put in my contacts (so I can see what I’m eating and who is serving it to me), and tell me to go snuggle back up in bed. Then and only then can you and the kids bring me breakfast in bed. And no, it is not okay to send the kids in every twenty minutes all morning long to ask, “Mommy? Are you awake yet?” (like you did last year).

I don’t want anything interrupting my shower. I want to have a full-length shower and shave my legs and everything, maybe even have time to tweeze my eyebrows and floss my teeth.

I don’t want anything keeping me away from my Mother’s Day mimosas. Do what you have to do, husband, but just be sure to make mimosas happen.

I don’t want anything on my to-do list. I don’t want to cook, do dishes, wash laundry, sweep, vacuum, grocery-shop or pay bills.

I also don’t want anything from that to-do list to simply not get done, dear husband. I want you and the kids to show your appreciation for me by doing all the chores I would normally do on any given day so that I don’t get punished on Monday for taking Sunday off.

I don’t want anything that may involve boogers, poop, pee or any other type of human excrement anywhere near me.

I don’t want anything to get on my clothes for the whole day. Keep the kids and the craft supplies they’re using to make cards for me far, far away until the glue has dried. I want to see how long I can wear white and not have to change my outfit (like a science experiment).

I don’t want anything interrupting me for at least 30 minutes while I curl up with that book I’ve been trying to read for a month.

Most importantly, husband, I don’t want anything getting in the way of snuggling up on the couch with you and the kids for an afternoon movie, smelling their soft, dirty hair against my cheeks and feeling their chubby little hands draped over me, with your arms wrapped around us all. I’ll change out of my white clothes for this, because there are bound to be boogers.

And that is what mothers really want for Mother’s Day.

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  1. Anonymous

    I want all of these things, but also two kittens. 🙂 – Sarah (est. 1975)

  2. Sure, that’s what you want, but the hub will probably get you one of those little baskets of toiletries from the drug store, or a bunch of cheap roses from the gas station.

    • Not if he reads this post, he won’t. 😉

      Oh wait, he only reads my blog if he’s buttering me up for nookie. Hmmm.

  3. YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES! You need to put these sentiments on a greeting card. Then mums can give one to their partners in the lead up to Mother’s Day; we get what we really want, and no one else has to pretend to love a fucking Andre Rieu CD or pink ceramic cat.

  4. Sorry, I wanted to write about the above link. My husband did the laundry, cooked, and took the kids out of the house for HOURS! It was great. I still changed light bulbs etc but there was no bickering, no guilt, no arguing, no gnashing of teeth for HOURS,