Last Halloween, we went trick-or-treating with our precious little superman and supergirl in our quaint, idyllic neighborhood, just as we do every year. It was a beautiful night, and we were making priceless family memories. And yet, as we slowly worked our way around the block, I couldn’t help but notice a few things. Disturbing things… scarythings… things that didn’t quite… belong. And I’m not talking about goblins and zombies.
I’m talking about humans who ought to know better.
So this year, in an effort to avoid the annual post-Halloween collective slamming-of-our-heads-into-a-brick-wall-because-we-can’t-believe-how-monumentally-moronic-and-inconsiderate-people-are, I’m getting proactive and doing a pre-Halloween public service announcement. Feel free to post these tips on your facebook wall or hang them up at your local rec center.
A PSA for Parents of Trick-or-treaters:
1) Keep the high-school kids’ reproductive organs under wraps. If your “child” has boobs or a six pack (or a beer belly), he or she might be past the age of trick-or-treating anyway. Take a moment to evaluate the situation, would you? It might be time to confiscate the king-sized pillow-case and instead make your not-dressed-as-Julia-Roberts-from-Pretty-Woman teen escort the younger children trick-or-treating, or perhaps just stay home and pass out candy. I personally would prefer they not tarnish the fragile and fleeting innocence of the pre-pubescent neighborhood children by openly brandishing their post-pubescent naughty bits. I saw way too much juvenile under-butt last Halloween for my taste. (Not that there is any public situation where I would find under-butt to my taste. But that’s just me.)
2) Lock up the dog.If your giant anxiety-ridden beast of a dog is terrified of children dressed in costumes, then perhaps tied to your chair while you pass out candy in the driveway is not the most logical place for him? Maybe you could consider putting him inside the house where he can’t gnaw off an innocent trick-or-treater’s face, yeah? Just tossin’ around ideas…
3) Ease up on the horror with the little ones. If you want to scare someone, awesome. Woohoo, Halloween should be a little scary; yay for you for rocking Halloween! But stay the hell away from the little kids – their parents would actually like to get some sleep on Halloween night! Besides, if you scare a little one too badly, their daddy might try to decapitate you with his plastic sickle.
4) Be honorable.If someone leaves a big bowl of candy out on their front porch, obviously expecting people to act on the honor system and just take a piece or two, don’t let your kids be assholes and take the whole thing. Those nice, trusting people are probably out trick-or-treating with their own little kids and can’t be there to hold down the fort. Of course, most likely the parents to whom this applies are the same parents who are cool with under-butt.
5) Bow out gracefully. If you don’t want to pass out candy, or if you’re just not into Halloween, whatever, dude. It’s a free country. But turn off your porch light. WHY IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS? Running out of candy is another occasion in which you’ll wanna nix the lights. This prevents the inevitable answering of the door every three minutes to explain to little kids that Halloween is evil or that you’re out of candy.
Did I miss anything?
NOTE: Overwhelmed by all that candy? Worried your kids’ teeth will rot right out of their skulls? Worried you might eat all the candy by yourself and get fat right before the holidays? Me too! But we don’t want that really, do we? So give all that extra candy to the troops! (No chocolate though… it might melt!) This has the added benefits of teaching your children generosity and giving you warm fuzzy feelings. Happy trick-or-treating!
5 Comments
Parents should never allow their kids to visit the home of someone they do not know very well. Also, after trick or treating, parents should check their kids’ candy first, before allowing them to eat it. There are a few sick individuals who will not hesitate to hurt children by mixing poison or inserting razor blades in the candied apples. Kristen, this is an excellent post and it is very thoughtful of you to share this with all parents!
Agree on all accounts and I would like to add one more. Because I have 200 lbs of non ferocious but stupid and loud dogs at my house, we do not give out candy. Of course, we turn our light out. Parents – please remind your kids of that old school rule that you do not knock on a house with no light. I cannot even keep track of how many times our dark house gets knocked on, and then continued knocking even with 200 lbs worth of dog barking and throwing themselves at the door. I’m just shy of making a sign that says “Dont Bother”
You really should make the sign. Excellent point. 😉
Leave your cigarettes at home.
Last year as we were making our way around the neighborhood we ended up following behind a family full of smokers. Mom, Dad and whoever else was along for the fun puffed on their cigarettes while Johnny and Sally skipped up to each door. They left behind a trail of disgusting stink at every house they visited that we were lucky enough to encounter at many of our stops. We even tried switching sides of the street and heading in different directions, but it seemed like wherever we went, they were there! BLECH!
Oh yeah. That’s super-gross. I understand some people are addicted and it’s super-hard to quit but damn, keep it away from the kids!