I went this morning to get my Paragard IUD removed because a few weeks ago I stumbled across this I-Hate-Paragard website where all these ladies were bashing Paragard because they said that since having the IUD, they’ve had the worst acne of their lives, not to mention extreme hair-loss. And then I actively searched and found other websites that said the same… and I was like HOLY CRAP this is so happening to me! I must call my doc this second and demand to have this murderous parasite removed from my delicate loins.

And that is exactly what I did.

My appointment was set for this morning. While in the parking lot before going in, I wrote an obnoxious post on the Abandoning Pretense Facebook page about how when you’re a SAHM, a trip to the gyno feels like a mini-vaca. You know, because you get to be alone, kind of, for like a whole two hours? Hardy-har!

And then this happened:

As I’m splayed out like a defeathered chicken in that most humiliating of positions which all women must endure on an annual basis, Doc tells me the removal should be a snap, just a little tug, I’ll barely feel it. But I never believe them when they say it won’t hurt because 1) pretty sure they’re lying, and 2) I’m a huge sissy and have zero pain-tolerance. Just knock me the fuck out please, mkay?

So I’m gripping the exam table in agony and Doc says: “Hm. That’s… interesting.”

WTF, doc. Isn’t it in Bedside Manner 101 that you are never EVER supposed to say: “Hm. That’s interesting.”? My faith is shaken, Doc. My faith is shaken.

“WHAT is interesting?” I say, making the meanest face I can from behind my paper blanket that covers jack squat.

“Well I’ve never had that happen before!”

Did this doctor learn nothing in Bedside Manner 101?!

“WHAT HAPPENED!?!” I shriek.

“It… broke. Well that is just so weird! That’s never happened in my life! You’re special! … uh… but not a good kind of special.”

You should read my blog, Doc.

Yes the damn IUD broke inside of me and half of it is still stuck in there.

Doc proceeds to calmly, pleasantly explain that he could either “dig around in there” and make me really “uncomfortable” (too late, doc), or that we could just ring up the surgery guys (those surgery guys! Love them!) and get me set up to “put me under” so that he can “get in there and poke around” with his microscope doohicky thingamajigger.

I sweatily inform him that he’s gonna have to knock me out if he’s planning on doing any more “digging.”

So they’re putting me under this Friday to get in there and get this thing out of me.

I’m very proud of myself for not having a nervous breakdown in the doctor’s office, you guys. Very, very proud. When they finally left me alone to get dressed, I took some time to angrily slam my fists into the paper blanket that was draped over my knees and hiss over and over, “I’m not going to fucking cry right now!” And I put such an effort into not crying that I got a cramp in my throat. Bravo, Kristen. Way to not cry.

I really wanted to save my tears for Hubs and have a nice dramatic moment on the phone with him; he’s so accommodating when he feels sorry for me.

But I never did cry. I went and got my pre-surgery bloodwork done like a good girl, and paid my $150 copay for a stupid surgery (a procedure, really – hopefully they won’t have to actually cut me) that was only made necessary by what my husband is calling a “catastrophic design flaw.” He’s an engineer; that’s how he talks.

Either that or the universe is mad at me for saying ugly things about motherhood.

Could you guys do me a favor and pray that this thing is not embedded in my uterus? Apparently that happens sometimes. Thanks.

Anything horrible ever happen to your lady-parts?


    • Still surprised I haven’t cried. I’m sure it’ll hit me at the most inconvenient possible time… =-/

  1. Ugh! I’m so sorry. I had a “procedure” done a couple of months ago. They gave me the option of in the office or the surgery center. I chose office solely because I’m breastfeeding and didn’t want to mess with that. It is always so much worse when dealing with things “down there”!

  2. Just reading the title made me say “Gender reassignment?”

  3. Omg that’s horrible!!! And how uncomfortable to be put under and then have a room full of people digging around in there! Blah, I could not do the IUD route. Too too scary for this exact reason. And also because the idea of having something stuck inside of me for any length of time makes me extremely anxious! Eek, good luck to your lady bits!

    • I could CARE LESS what happens to me while I’m knocked out. Have at it, people, and get that mothereffin thing OUT of me. Just don’t leave any marks, if possible.

      Yeah I’m definitely regretting ever having this thing in the first place… =/

  4. If you are done having kids, have him/her tie your tubes or do an ablation while they are in there messing around. I’ve wished many a time I were a man for a wide variety of reasons. Mostly cuz guys have it so easy. (Says the lady). Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you and trying at the same time not to actually picture what they are doing!

    • Thanks. I am considering having them tie me up down there. But would you believe I’m scared, because it seems so… final? Weird that I’d rather Hubs get snipped. I’m suck a fickle girl.

  5. Ha! I didn’t even notice you typed suck. I know what you are saying about the finality. I bit the bullet. Two is all I can handle and I’m getting too old to “start over” with an infant.

  6. Worst thing that every happened to my lady parts? Leap cone biopsy. Best thing? Biopsy results were negative, which I always have to remind myself is a good thing. Why do doctors speak like it’s “opposite day”?

    • I don’t know. My doctor is actually known for being one of the best around, but he is socially awkward. Well… obviously. LOL

  7. OMG, Kristen! I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m now on the verge of a total freak out about my IUD. I have Mirena… any word on that one? I’ve had it since Emma was born so it’s been over 3 years. I’m always scared that it’s going to break or get lost up there or fuse to my cervix or something crazy like that. I love that I don’t get much in the way of periods and that the birth control aspect of it is so successful (not that I have much in the way of a sex life anyway) but it still makes me worry. This story may just be inspiring me to got to the doctor. It hurts right now. Do you think that’s just because I’m panicking? LOL! Seriously… making an appointment!

    • Jen,
      I had Mirena for the whole time you can have it…is that 5 years? 6? I can’t remember. Anyway, I loved it and had absolutely NO problems. You’ll be ok.
      Just thought I’d pipe in. 🙂

    • Jen – If it’s really hurting… probably not a bad idea to have it checked. Although… *I* wasn’t hurting. I personally am very turned off of these things now. But clearly I am biased given my experience. And yes several women shared similar circumstances with Mirena. (Go see Funny Postpartum Lady’s FB page where she shared my story – the comments).

      Generally speaking, I would venture to say that any time you stick something up your vagina and leave it there… there’s going to be a risk. There are tons of positives though, and each woman can weigh the risks and decide for herself.

      I think they can do an ultrasound and look to see that the placement is good – but there wouldn’t be a way to find out if it was imbedded without trying to pull it out. I don’t think. Obvi I’m not a doctor. (My bedside manner is far too accommodating.)

      Let me know what happens?

      Amy – So glad yours is without complication! I’m sure there are far more success stories than horror stories! xoxo

  8. Yikes! I hope everything turns out okay! I just had my Mirena removed a few weeks ago (I was having horrible acne, tons of weight gain, and general BLAH so I ditched it) and while, thankfully, the doc was able to remove it without incident it was a little embarrassing to have her all up in there saying, “come here you little string!” over and over again.

    • LOL! This made me laugh – THANK YOU.

      My doc claimed that since the Paragard is non-hormonal that is shouldn’t be causing hormonal side-effects such as acne. That’s nice, doc. Then why are THOUSANDS of woman complaining all over the internets that although they’ve never had acne before EVER, that since using Paragard their faces look like pepperoni pizza?

      Can’t just be coincidence.

      (Glad yours came out okay!)

  9. So sorry this happened to you. I have always thought those IUD things were a bad idea… You’ve confirmed it for me. Sending prayers for a swift and simple procedure

    • Thanks so much for the prayers. The procedure was unsuccessful, unfortunately… Damn thing’s lodged in there. 🙁

      I’ll keep you guys updated, of course.


  10. I’m so sorry for what you went through!

    I’ve had the Mirena IUD for about a year, and haven’t had any issues. No acne, pain, weight gain,or periods. I’m really happy that it has worked out so well, because I’m on a medication that pretty much completely takes away the effectiveness of EVERY other form of birth control. Extra high five for none of my doctors informing me of that for the first three yrs I was on it and taking birth control pills! I would say it’s like anything else, there will be cases where it works great, as well as cases where there are complications.

    • Well I’ll say it’s a good thing for those without other options, and I’m so glad for you that you haven’t had any adverse side-effects. But I personally am turned off of these things, big time. It’s lodged in there and Doc is telling me we can either leave it or perform a hysterectomy. Not cool.