I was super excited that Hot Mess Mom and Scary Mommy were going to be featuring me in a video they were making. They wanted me to be perky and funny and do a quick little demonstration on how to make Peruvian-American chicken (WTF is Peruvian-American chicken? I have no idea.) AND they would be tasting and critiquing my “recipe.”
So I was like, that’s a freaking weird way to do a cooking video… where are the goddam spices?! But I figured they were the experts, so I’d better just play along.
Hot Mess Mom and Scary Mommy were all keyed-up and jittery, skittering around and yipping all these instructions at me for how not to make an ass out of myself and the whole time I was all, You gave me a freaking hot-plate. But I was totally prepared to make do and put forth my best effort.
When it was time to start taping, they pointed at me the way directors do: ACTION! So I stood behind the hot-plate and put on the best perky TV-smile I could muster and started yammering on and on, something to the affect of “Hello, isn’t it a beautiful day, my name is Kristen Mae and I’m the author of Abandoning Pretense and my husband is Peruvian, so in my home, I have to fuse the American and Peruvian style of cooking blah blah blah…” (No I don’t have to fuse shit! I’m a lying liar-pants!!!)
And then Hot Mess Mom and Scary Mommy cut me off – you know, by making the “slit your throat” sign?
They were like, no no no. You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything funny. This is just a short little video. You’ve got to pack as much information and humor into the brief time allotted. And I was thinking, well why the hell didn’t they tell me that in the first place? And why the hell didn’t I rehearse any of this shit?
So I started over, talking as quickly as I could:
My name is Kristen from Abandoning Pretense and here’s how you cook Peruvian-American chicken!!!! (SHIT, NONE OF THAT WAS FUNNY) and I squirted some olive oil in a pan (where did the olive oil come from?) and threw some raw chicken on it and started swishing it around.
As I was “cooking,” I was thinking, all the cooking shows say you’re not supposed to cook chicken in any kind of situation where you’ll be critiqued, because it’s so easy to dry chicken out or undercook it. This is an all-around bad idea!
Then I pulled a can of I-have-no-idea-what out of thin air, dumped that on top of the chicken, and mixed it around some more.
Voila! Peruvian-American chicken!!!
While all of this was happening, Hubs was waiting for me with the car running on the side of the road with the windows down, hanging his elbow out the window watching everything go down.
I woke up before Hot Mess Mom and Scary Mommy got a chance to try my chicken recipe.
I’m sure they would’ve hated it.
Have you had any crazy dreams lately?