Have you ever hung out with someone for a few hours and afterward you find yourself running on “empty?” And the thought of ever seeing another human being again makes your armpits all sweaty? And all you can think about is curling up with a fuzzy afghan, a warm glass of milk, and a book of easy Sudoku? 

If so, then you know what it’s like to have your life-force sucked out by an Energy Vampire.
Unlike the vampires of traditional mythology, Energy Vampires do not have elongated teeth or pale skin, nor do they spontaneously combust in the sun. Also unlike traditional vampires, Energy Vampires are real. But how do you know for sure when you’re dealing with one if they don’t have any distinguishing features? I’ve put together a list of traits shared by Energy Vampires, which you will probably want to print out and carry around in your pocket.

If someone in your life exhibits three or more of the following behaviors, that would be an indicator for Energy Vampirism. And if any of these apply to you: STOP IT.That shit is annoying.  

1)      Energy Vampires are usually really loud. But being loud in and of itself doesn’t necessarily make someone an energy vampire. They might just have a really great stage-voice. The kind of loud I’m talking about is the kind of loud where, when someone’s talking, it’s really obvious they need everyone to hear them, even if it’s totally inappropriate for the situation. For example, if you’re in a library and you can clearly hear the voice of one person rising above the quiet library hum, and what you’re hearing are details of some the more erotic scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey… that would be an Energy Vampire. Avoid that person.
2)      Energy Vampires complain a LOT. In fact, most of what they say is some sort of complaint. They can be sneaky about this, though; sometimes they’ll complain but try to make it look like they’re not really complaining. You know how some people post whiny, obnoxious comments about their spouse on Facebook, and then follow up with a winky-face, as if that will fool everyone into thinking they’re not being a twat-waffle? Energy Vampire.
3)      Energy Vampires cuss too much. You know I like a good F-bomb every now and then. But some people seem to have a very limited supply of superlatives in their vocabulary, and they all seem to be for adults’ ears only. After an extended period of time with this individual you start to feel like you’d rather grind your ear on a cheese-grater than listen to them speak anymore. Or hand them a thesaurus.
4)      Energy Vampires bogart entire conversations. We’ve all done this at one time or another; you know how occasionally you get off the phone only to realize with horror that you’re the one who did most of the talking? And you feel like poo because of it? Most of us make a mental note to be sure to ask that person more questions next time to make sure the conversation stays balanced. But not Energy Vampires; they never shut up about themselves, be it bragging or complaining. They always forget to ask about you. This is a major trait of energy vampires, probably the most tell-tale sign. This can be tricky though, again, because sometimes these people will ask about you or your family and after you’ve given one tiny detail, they’ll use that detail as a diving board to belly-flop back into their own swimming-pool of self-adulation.

5)      Energy Vampires exaggerate. This is draining because when having a conversation laden with exaggeration, your brain can’t fall into a relaxed pattern of thinking. You’re too busy shooting down all the red flags. “Wait, your husband’s bonus was how much? And you bought a what with it? And it cost how much?” You’re doing the math in your head and it’s just not adding up.

6)      Energy vampires are often fraudulently insecure or inordinately self-deprecating. Do you have someone in your life who requires constantreassurance about everything? Or batters themselves with insult after insult? And you suspect they don’t really believe all these terrible things they’re saying about themselves but are just making negative comments for the sole purpose of hearing you disagree with them? This is because they get a big payoff when you spoon-feed your precious life-force to them in the form of flattery and validation.

7)      Energy Vampires gossip. They say terrible things about people who they supposedly love; frequently preambling said negativity with a phrase like “bless her heart.” For example: “Bless her heart, but she is just the biggest bitch on two legs that I have ever seen!” See how your brain has to go into over-drive trying to figure that shit out? It’s exhausting.
Anything here ringing a bell for you? Do you have any other traits to add? Comments are for venting…


  1. You put a lot of thought into this and wrote it magnificently. The next question being, naturally, why are hanging around these soul suckers?

    • Haha… Soul suckers… That’s a new one! I like it. I’m not hanging around them… Anymore… And in some cases it’s people I come across in my profession, and they’re unavoidable. In those cases I just talk smack about them to my husband. Hehe 🙂

  2. Ahahaha this is amazing…mostly and entirely because I just dubbed one of my “good friends” an energy vampire without knowing the term yet!! I told her we didn’t have to be enemies but that the way she treated me was not the way a friend treats someone…and I told her she was acting like a frenemy and I needed outsies. She took it surprisingly well which has me wondering how awesome I really am if I’m okay to lose. But, ya know, I gave her more ammo to talk about me so you can’t say I’m not generous 😉 I want to kiss you in a non lesbo way for writing this post…and that’s not a derogatory comment. I just don’t swing that way.

    • It’s probably not your friend’s first time someone has told her that… she’s probably used to it. Yikes. Yeah, she’s totally talking smack about you. But now you don’t have to give a crap! Woohoo! 😉

  3. Oh my gawd, I may be an energy vampire. Luckily for everyone, only my kids are getting the life sucked out of them for now. And my neighbor friend. But she comes back for more, so she must like it. Or she must have extra energy to give. Tee hee. I love this post.

    • Scarily, I see myself in some of my descriptions… I’m working on it, really I am!

      And btw I love your headshot! =)

  4. I love this post–except for the part where I feel like I could totally see myself in a few of the descriptions. Uh oh!! Gonna have to do a little inventory!!