Last night was Lucas’ first night back to practice after I nearly lost my marbles trying not to freak the freak out because of THIS Douche-Canoe. I decided Sunday that my new approach for dealing with said Douche-Canoe is the following: When she yells out something douche-canoe-ish at any poor, unsuspecting child who screws up, I will yell exactly the opposite of whatever she yelled.

The thought was that I could get my point across without me ever having to address her directly; I’m so not the confrontational type. On the other hand, I did also resolve that if my passive-aggressive approach was unsuccessful that I would have to grow a big, giant pair of hairy balls and tell her fat-ass off. (BTW I got no problems with over-weight people… unless they’re also a douche-canoe; then all bets are off.)

So last night I implemented my new plan.



Here I thought being passive-aggressive was only for assholes! Pfffffffft!!! Naw, it’s useful for regular ol’ every-day people – good citizens, just like you and me! It just has to be used properly…

For example:

Child shoots goal. Misses.
Douche-Canoe: “What was THAT? Come ON!!
Good Citizen: “Good try, Johny! So close!”

Child passes ball. It goes wide and the receiver misses it. 
Douche-Canoe: “How’s he supposed to get THAT? Was that supposed to be a pass?
Good Citizen: “Good effort, Billy! Going for teamwork! Nice!”

Child throws the ball in. To the opposing team.
Douche-Canoe: “Oh, COME ON! Wrong team! HELLO!
Good Citizen: “Don’t worry about it, Sally! Get it back! You can do it!”

Child goes to kick the ball. Trips over it. 
Douche-Canoe: “Oh GEEZ. Might as well hand it to the other team!”
Good Citizen: “That’s alright Jenny, brush it off! Nice try! Get back in there!”

By the end of practice, our little Douche-Canoe had gone mysteriously quiet. A couple of times I heard her start to pipe up with her hateful, nasally voice and then change her mind and keep quiet.

I think of her as a pet, now. Like a puppy who needs to learn not to piddle on the floor, she needs to learn not to shit all over the self-esteem of innocent children. She just needs a little training, is all.

And that’s how to use passive-aggressive behavior to get positive results when dealing with Douche-Canoes.

I’m giving myself a hug right now.


  1. That is awesome! I have one at little league that I will try the same strategy with. Nice to know it worked out well. 🙂 I hate douche-canoes like her, and when you were describing your Lucas it reminded me EXACTLY of how my son is. Thank you for sharing.

    • Please keep me updated about your DC at little league. Curious to see if it works for you too!


  2. Karen flint

    You are so good. LMAO!! Shut her up!!! Loving it!

  3. I was going to say: is it bad that I’ve tried this? Then I realized that no it’s not bad lol. It’s amazing how you can hush the negative nelly’s with some positivity! Go you!

  4. This is phenomenal! Yes, it’s funny, but there is an important message here too. My husband has ADHD, and I am sure one of our four sons has inherited it. Soccer was a disaster, so we’ve moved to cross country. The parents of his teammates are so encouraging…not a douche canoe in the bunch! Woohoo! You modeled great behavior for the kids while making your point abundantly clear…bravo!

    • Aww, thanks for the kind words! You know, I didn’t expect for this blog to be about ADHD advocacy… but more and more I feel there is no escaping it. Watching my son struggle, and seeing others have the same struggles – how can I NOT talk about it?

      Is you son enjoying cross-country?

  5. Good for you! We had one of those annoying women once in soccer…. I turned to her one day and asked her (in a dumb blonde sort of way, intentionally) Wow, Does your kid getting a check for playing on this team? She got the point and shut up. 🙂

  6. L-O-V-E it!! Not only are you putting her in her place (oh and in Mommy-world you can give yourself one hell of a big hug for that one!) but you are also showing your kids a non-confrontational way to do this! 😉 Some call in manipulative I call it Mom-tastic! Found you on the hop!! 😉

    • If I can’t fully rehabilitate her, I might have to implement the dog-poo idea. Always good to have options. 🙂

  7. I LOVE your approach! I couldn’t deal with someone like that. Now if I am ever in that type of situation, I will try this. 🙂