I like a good cuss-word. I really do. The ‘F-word’ is my favorite, especially when I stub my toe. ‘Son of a Bitch’ is almost as cathartic. I can’t help it, it’s who I am. So sue me.

And I like rap music, as long as it’s not too sexist. Not just to work out to, either, like I always tell people. I actually like it. The rhythm, the lyrics (minus sexist crap), the rawness – I can’t help it, I just like it. You know what? Actually, if the beat is good enough, I can even tolerate some sexist rap music.

I also like to have a drink or two. I’m talkin’ alcoholic beverages. Not like, ‘every now and then I have a sip of wine.’ That would be a big fat lie. I like to enjoy at least a glass of wine per night, and on the weekends I look forward to getting a little bit drunk with my husband. I like to smoke cigarettes too, but I’ve become good at abstaining from that, because they’re so bad for you. It’s just that, in the interest of honesty, I gotta say I crave a good smoke now and then.

Oh and guess what else! When I was in college, I did drugs. Real ones. And I liked it. And here’s the real kicker – I don’t even regret it! I do feel a bit guilty that I don’t regret it though, because it seems like I should. There’s not much else to say about that. Oh wait – yes there is! I really hope my kids never do drugs! I haven’t figured out how I’m going to broach the topic when the time comes. Lie and say I never did it? Be honest and say I did it, but lie and say I wish I hadn’t? I can’t tell them I did drugs, liked it, and don’t regret it! That is not good parenting! Maybe better to just leave me out of that conversation all together. Okay, so when I frame it around thinking about my kids doing drugs, I admit doing drugs was dangerous. There were many times I could have gotten hurt, or worse. But… those were some super-fun times. I’m sure I’m just immature and someday I’ll reach the moment of wisdom where I realize I really do regret doing drugs. I’m not there yet, though.

Another of my big imperfections: I yell at my kids. Not ‘sometimes,’ or ‘every once in a while,’ or ‘only when they do something really awful.’ No. I yell on a daily basis. I’m a yeller. I used to yell at my husband, too. I’ve pretty much stopped that, mainly because he stopped deserving it. (Just being honest!)

I try not to yell at my kids, really, I do. I imagine all my mommy friends, calmly explaining right from wrong to their children. As they speak, their children stare at them with eyes wide, thirsty for life’s wisdom. Meanwhile, I’m yelling at my five-year-old for the twentieth time to eat his sandwich over the plate because CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE GETTING CRUMBS ALL OVER THE PLACE!? and thinking, Dear God, please don’t let the neighbors hear me. They’re such good people.

But… are they really as perfect as they seem? All the mommies I talk to every day from school to gymnastics to soccer practice, when they offer little tidbits and morsels of the ‘realities’ of their lives, I think, Really?? That’s it? That’s the worst you’ve got? And then I immediately start censoring myself; don’t want them to know what a lunatic I am!

Same problem with the parenting magazines. Who is writing these articles? Is everyone besides me really this calm, this organized, this… perfect? I’m tired of acting like I am some polished-up version of myself, just because I feel it’s expected of me. That’s why, right here, right now, I have decided to just lay it all out there. Fuck pretense! Oh crap I just said the F-word. Right out loud, kind of. I’m sure a bunch of people are gonna be super-offended to know what I’m thinking (yes, I think the F-word a lot but don’t usually say it!) But honestly, caring so much what everyone else thinks is just sucking the life right out of me. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Here’s another one I can’t talk about for fear of becoming a social pariah; I believe in God, but I don’t post a bunch of stuff on Facebook professing my faith (and I especially don’t share those stupid manipulative ‘if-you-don’t-share-you-don’t-love-God’ posts), and that wouldn’t be honest anyway, because I do wonder sometimes if He’s really really real… (I can’t be the only one who wonders!! Can I?) I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s a greater meaning to all of… this, everything, life… and I feel there must be an omnipresent force out there that is beyond all of our understanding, yada yada… But I still question… Why? Why be so elusive and enigmatic? I don’t get it. Like if God is real, why can’t He just show us, really blatantly, like “See me? Here I am, right here! Told you I was real, suckas!”

Shit I’m going to Hell. Anyway, in spite of having these questions in my mind, I pray all the time, like ALL the time, seriously. And crazy shit happens in my life, and in my brain, shit that tells me ‘oh yeah, sista, He’s definitely out there.’ Or She. Whatever. And then I feel bad about cussing and listening to rap music. But then I think, ‘ah well, I’m sure God’s got bigger fish to fry anyway. Like He cares about some stay-at-home mom who drops the f-bomb now and then.’ Anyway, when I pray I try to only pray to accept whatever is in store for me, rather than to pray for what I desire. Because there’s supposed to be a Big Plan already laid out, right? Everything’s already decided. So why pray for any particular outcome? I frequently think how moronic it is that people pray for sports teams to win. If you call yourself a believer and you’re praying about sports, you gotta do some serious soul-searching. Seriously if there is anything God would care the least about, it would be sports.

Oh and another thing about religion – I really can’t make myself enjoy contemporary Christian music. If I didn’t want to offend anyone, I would say I like some of it. Not true. I’ve tried to listen to Z-88.3. I’ve given it my best shot, numerous times. One out of every ten songs is bearable. They sound like they’re trying really hard to sound like cutting-edge secular pop, but they generally fall short, in my opinion. Nasally voices and uninspired rhythms. And I wonder, “Are these musicians who dreamed of hitting the big-time, but somewhere along the way realized that the only way they were going to eek a living out of music is if they went on the Christian circuit?”

See, this is why I can’t escape pretense! If I said some of the shit I’m thinking out loud, I would be in big trouble, like, all the time, with everybody. I would seriously have no friends. These are just not nice thoughts to be thinking! Oh but you know what might redeem me? I DO like the old Christian stuff! Not ‘oldies,’ but like really old – as in, Classical music. Requiems by Verdi and Mozart. Really cool stuff that gives me goose bumps. I bet most people hate that music. I wouldn’t judge them for it, though. That would be hypocritical.

OK. Enough about God. What about house cleaning? I’m just going to be honest here. I make my bed maybe twice a year when I’m having company who will see my bedroom. Not for my mom or sister of course, because they know I never make my bed, and they don’t judge me for it. (Besides, I got that ‘lazy’ trait from my mom.) But I digress. We all clean our house from top-to-bottom right before company comes, but barely float above filthy the rest of time. Or is that just me? My sister is one of those people who actually keeps her house clean all the time, so she has warped my perception of reality on this topic. But her husband is basically a compulsive neat-freak and he’s been training her for years. I can’t use them as my benchmark.

I’m pretty sure most everybody else is more like me when it comes to house cleaning, but no one wants to fess up to it. So why do we clean frantically before company comes and smile smugly when people arrive, pretending like our house always looks like a model home? How did we, as a human race, go from living in caves and sleeping on thresh, to removing every single speck of dust from houses that are basically made of cardboard? And why do we choose this ceaseless endeavor over, say, playing ‘Memory’ with our kids? Is there really any doubt which is more important in the great scheme of things? And yet, that is one of the things that my poor kids get yelled at for (See the ‘crumbs’ comment, above). Well I’m lifting the veil, baby! Mothers with dirty houses unite! I’m going to have T-shirts made. They will say: “Better Things to do Than Clean,” or “I Played Peek-a-Boo Instead of Cleaning the Toilet.” Something like that, I’ll have to ruminate on it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just be real and stop trying to pretend we’re perfect? Of course, saying that implies the assumption that there are lots of women in the same boat as I am, cussing after the kids are in bed, drinking daiquiris to the point of almost-drunkenness and working out to dirty rap music on their MP3s. The truth is, I fear I might really be the only one like me, one imperfect lunatic in a world full of Stepford wives. The only way I’ll know I’m not crazy is if someone steps up and tells me I’m not alone. And then I can stop screaming at my kids about the fucking crumbs.

for FB-1
Abandoning Pretense


  1. You are not alone! 🙂 A friend of mine (Anna-May) posted your blog on facebook, and I am so glad she did! You are so refreshing! Seriously, why do we all think we have to be so perfect? Why do we pretend we are? I’ve found that the more honest I am about this kind of stuff, the more I find people who are just like me. It’s awesome to know we are not as nuts as we thought. 😉 Thanks for being honest and telling your truth…it’s our truth too.

    • Thanks Louise! It means so much to know that I’ve connected with someone! I was making myself sick deliberating on whether or not to go public with my weird little essays. I told my mom it’s like that dream where you’re at school sitting at your desk and you look down and realize you’re totally naked. Your comment is like someone handing me a robe. 🙂

  2. You are not alone!! You could have written this about me and since it’s about pretense, I’ll be honest with you…I do make my bed everyday but all the other stuff – I’m right there with ya! 🙂

    • You go with your bad self, makin’ your bed! I gotta admit it looks good when it’s done, but I just can’t make myself care! 🙂 -Kristen

  3. I’m so happy for the great responses you are getting…you’ve certainly touched on something a lot of people think but rarely voice. Oh, and to anyone who has anything negative to say…”f” them! 😉

  4. Humm, sounds like me…. and that’s why we’re friends 😉

    Tho, I do have to admit, that I always thought you were/are SOOOO much more patiant then I am with Rener and Lu

    • Haha I was just better at hiding it! I’ve read a ton of books trying to be a better, more patient, level-minded parent. I HAVE gotten better, but I still have Epic Fails every day… And I’m not gonna pretend I’m any better than that! 😉

  5. Anonymous

    Kristen Mae I laughted reading most of it! You just haven’t listened to the right christian music there is some good out there. Like your sister my husband is a neat freak so Im cleaning the house just about every day but truthfully I HATE IT!


    • Funny you mention about the music – My neighbor got me listening to some Christian Metal (Ruh???) and it turns out it’s pretty good stuff for getting your butt kicked in kick-boxing. Even more strange, my son brought home this CD from VBS and it’s just kids singing Christian pop and I just love it. Sometimes I listen to it by myself when the kids aren’t even around! Thanks for the comment. (I love comments!)

  6. umm..okay.. so…. we really are the same person. wow. I could have written this myself. EVERY SINGLE part of it… yelling, smoking, drugs, God, filth.. all of it. Damn, why aren’t you coming to the Million Milf March??? 🙁

    • Oh LORDY I want to! I’m already over-committed with travel and family obligations that were set in stone early in the year… if I make one more request the Hubs is gonna LOSE it! And he is generally very accommodating and non-judgy, so I gotta do the marriage-compromise selfless thing in this instance. Such is life. Next time? A pack of wild dogs could not prevent my attendance.

  7. you’re not alone. I yell too often. I hate myself afterwards, but dang it … if she just did what was asked, I wouldn’t have to get mad lol! My house is also a pit right now. I decided to go back to school, so between school, work, parenting and a boyfriend – the housework gets neglected…

  8. So we share a brain. This is like confirmed from your comments on my blog and now my comments on your blog. We should be besties for life. Just sayin’.

  9. Uh wait, did I write this in a sleep deprived haze and you got it and posted it? Cause I could have written it – every single word! Holy shit, you really put it out there lady! Profound, seriously! I dont even know what else to say, but I will be reading more of your stuff cause…obviously. Thank you! Devan (mommy of 2 girls who I think prefer me to scream cause that is the only time they listen, I tell my 6 year old “oh, Im sorry, I forgot you like me to scream everything at you, and here I was trying to say it nicely 57 times first…silly me!” Mother of the year.)

  10. I just found your blog, and I love it! I only make my bed when someone is coming over, too! I hate to clean, so I have someone come in and do it, but they only do surface stuff. It keeps me from scrubbing toilets, though, so it is worth it.

    • People keep telling me I should just hire someone… I think it’s a sign. I can’t so no to the universe!

      I’m so glad you went to the first post and read it! This post means SO much to me – I wrote it several months before I even thought about blogging, for myself, as a form of therapy.

      Thanks for commenting, and I hope you’ll stick around! 🙂

  11. Just found your blog after your guest post to HMM. LOVE!! I honestly could have written all of it (if I could actually coherently articulate what I want to say)Although, I could add to the mix an asshole of an ex-husband/dead beat father but a wonderful current husband who adopted my oldest 13 years ago! You rock girl! Will keep on reading! BTW….I NEVER make my bed unless company is coming over and my girls sleep on top of their comforters with a multitude of fleece blankets just so they don’t have to make theirs!!

    • I love when I meet another kindred spirit, don’t you? Thanks so much for taking the time to read! xoxo

  12. Effing beautiful! I can manage to pull up the blanket when I get out of bed, but that is as good as it gets unless we have company. Frankly, it depends on who the company is just how much harder I am going to work on making the bed and cleaning the house than that! My curse word vocabulary just keeps getting more creative, the older I get, and the cocktails just keep tasting better!
    So glad I found you, my soul sister!

  13. Anonymous

    You’re awesome! I’ve read your blog and you’re Facebook for a while now…..how have I never seen this post? It sounds like I could have written this myself. I’m right there with you on everything from housekeeping, yelling, god, drugs, wine, everything.Your great! Keep on being real cause I love ya.

    • You probably didn’t see it because it was my very first post. Kind of got lost in the pile-up. 😉

      Thanks for following!

  14. You and i think so much alike! You’re not alone! Fuck cleaning, i love rap, and yelling is the only way to get your point across to a kid that won’t listen to reason no matter how much you drill it in. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!

    • I haven’t encountered anyone in real life who likes rap. Or… who will ADMIT they like rap. *eye roll*

    • No shit lol. I love kanye just for the beats.he can keep his racial messages to hisself tho lol. Idk why all moms pretend to like top 40. My kids love everything from Lil Wayne to slipknot. my youngest LOVES dubstep. Calls it wob wob lmao

    • I can’t STAND Kanye as a person. But… he does make some totally awesome songs. Heartless, Golddigger, Runaway… to name a few. And I like Lil Wayne, too, though he is a tad blatantly sexist for my taste. But he comes up with some crazy/brilliant unexpected rhymes and turns of phrase. I don’t let my kids listen to any of it, though. They listen to Disney and Kids Bob, LOL. =)

  15. I LOVE YOU!
    I Needed this laugh so bad! I seriously felt like you were inside my head! I to love rap (buy i actually really enjoy that sexist shit maybe just cuz i find it funny or the beat is usually the best! ) I also have an issue with keeping an organized house. Yet, I clean houses as a side job! I keep it “clean” but organized, not so much! I’d rather be playing xbox with my daughter and husband or scrapbooking or playing candy crush!! And I’m one hundred percent guilty for being the yelling mom to. My daughter never listens to me wheni am calm, so I Just automatically yell! I’m very, very impatient and sometimes end up crying while laying in bed at night becausei feel as though I was too mean to her that day. But then I wake up the next day and she still has adhd, I still have no patience and I’m stilla yeller! I’m so glad hot mess mom sent me!! And remember, it’s always happy hour somewhere! 😉

    • Oh, me too about the guilt eating me up at night! I tell myself, “Tomorrow I will be patient; I won’t yell.” And then the kids are obstinate, whiny, and temperamental and I lose my shit all over again. :-/

  16. I am you minus the drugs since I didn’t go to college. I love wine but only on the weekends since alcoholism runs in the family, but I smoke every day. I have tried to quit but just cant seem to except during precnancy. Same thought on swearing, yelling, cleaning, God and music! I’m in your club. I also have a 7 yr old ADHD boy.

    • Because you “didn’t go to college.” LOL I probably shouldn’t find that so funny…

      But yeah – you gotta quit smoking! I’ve stopped completely – I don’t even crave them anymore. My last one was like 2 years ago. Huh, I guess I’ve changed a little since I wrote this! =)

  17. I swear as I sit here I am almost in tears, smiling though. You honestly laid my life and thoughts out in words that make sense. Hell no you’re not alone…and it fucking rocks to know that I’m not either. Thank you!!

  18. This…this is why I love you, and see, I hadn’t even read this post when I fell in love with you. It makes me love you more! You are just the shizznit, and I know I’m supposed to be a writer and come up with something eloquent and really deep to say, but that is what came out of my heart and soul. You’re The Shizznit. That is all.

    • As far as I’m concerned, “the shizznit” is about the highest compliment I could possibly be paid. 🙂

  19. God why can’t I find more women like you around me to be friends with!? It is a challenge to get through a work day without saying fuck. Actually I kind of stopped giving a shit about that except around my boss. Swearing is liberating and keeps me from killing people. Clean house…. let’s say cleanish. My mom is a super neat and cleans everything EVERY WEEK. I can’t live up to that. I’d rather have fun with my weekends. This life is about packing in experiences, not chores and other mundane shit. If you’re ever in Charleston SC let me know, we’ll go out and get drunk. XD