1. Today is the day I begin my journey to getting fit again.
2. I have never been more motivated in my life.
3. Man, I need a shower. But… if I take a shower, I’ll be clean, and if I’m clean, I won’t exercise, because then I’ll be dirty again and I’ll have to shower a second time, and it’s bad to take two showers in one day because the environment.
4. I’ll just get dressed in my exercise clothes right now, that way as soon as the urge strikes (which I’m sure will be soon), I’ll be ready. Then I can shower.
5. God I’m brilliant.
6. Although I’m not hungry, I’ll still eat breakfast. Everyone knows it’s bad to skip meals.
*eats half a bagel*
7. Soooo…. that’s weird that the other half of the bagel is just sitting there not being eaten. Honestly, who puts back half a bagel? And how do you even put it back in there? Like which way is it supposed to face? In? Out? This is just too weird, I might as well eat it. It’s just a bagel for God’s sake. Besides, I’m going to exercise today! I’m already in my exercise clothes.
*eats other half of bagel*
8. My kid didn’t finish her oatmeal. Meh… it’s only a few bites. Ugh!!! Pretty sure I just ate slobber. I can’t eat this.
9. But… throwing away food is wrong. Ew. Gross. There. I ate it. Are you happy, starving children all over the world???
10. WHYYYYYY DID I EAT THE WHOLE BAGEL. Next time I’ll only eat half. But holy yoga pants is cream cheese delicious. Well I’m not going to eat lunch, then. I’ll just have coffee. Coffee is an appetite suppressant, which I clearly could use. But it’s bad to skip meals. Okay, I’ll eat lunch… but only a salad.
11. Oh look, husband texted that he’s coming home for lunch! I’d better heat up some leftovers… ooooh YUM, I forgot we had that leftover linguini with pesto! Oh but I’m only eating salad for lunch. Be good be good be good BE GOOD! Well… I’ll heat up a tiny bit extra so that I can have a few bites. And for the kids I’ll make peanut butter and jelly and cut up a few apples. But for me, just salad.
12. Mmmmm, yummy salad. I love salad. Yayyyyyy salad. Yummy yummy yummy.
13. But… husband’s pesto linguini looks sooooo delicious over there waiting for him. When is he going to get here, anyway??? Oh wait, he texted me. He’s not coming.
14. GREAT. Now who is going to eat his linguini??? Hmmm. I’ll just eat a three bites, then store the rest. What a splendid idea!
15. HOLY GOOBERSHIZZLE, PESTO IS A BILLION TIMES AWESOMER THAN SALAD. Just. Three. Bites. Now put it away. Put it in the Tupperware. NOW. Mmmm… just one more quick bite.
16. F*CKAROONYNUTBALLS I ATE ALL THE PESTO.
17. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?
18. And the kids didn’t finish their apples. No biggie, I’ll eat those. It’s totally fine. I mean, who gets fat from eating too many apples? Nobody, that’s who.
19. UGHHHHHHHH I’m full. I’m going to eat nothing but salad for dinner. I’ll cook steak, rice, and steamed broccoli for everyone else but I’ll eat only salad. Maybe I’ll put a few pieces of steak in my salad. You have to eat protein for your muscles.
20. Holy crap, I really stink. I need to shower, but I still haven’t exercised. I’ll just let my food settle and then I’ll exercise. Around 3:30 should be perfect. Oh but I have that phone appointment at 3:30. Okay, then right after that. At 4:00. I’m definitely going to exercise at 4:00.
21. Grrr now I have all these tasks to do as follow-up to my phone call. It’s okay, I can whiz through them super-fast! I will not be discouraged!
22. Annnnd it’s time to start dinner. I SMELL LIKE GARBAGE AND I STILL HAVE NOT EXERCISED! FOR THE LOVE!
23. From now on, I’m exercising first thing in the morning! I’ll become one of those “up at dawn” people who likes the sound of birds chirping! It’ll be so great.
24. Today, though, I’ll have to bite the bullet and exercise right after dinner. I’ll need to take it easy, of course, because I’ll be exercising on a full stomach, and we don’t want to have another incident like that time I went jogging after eating pizza and had to waddle the last mile home with my butt-cheeks pinned together in terror. That was horrible.
25. Let’s start dinner! Oh I should put turmeric, sun-dried tomatoes and fresh basil in the rice. And tons of olive oil and garlic. It’s practically Mediterranean! I am such a good cook! My family is sooo lucky to have me. But I’m not eating rice. I’m only going to have a teeny-tiny bit of steak in my salad.
26. Mmmmm, salad. YUM. Yum yum yum, salad is yummy.
27. Maybe I’ll just have a teeny tiny bit of rice. I mean, I went to all that trouble to make it almost-mediterranean-style, so I might as well eat some of it. Man, it is super-yummy! I really am a good cook! But I will refrain from having more, I really will. I’m all done. Wow, look! I actually have will-power! Yay!!! And I only took a few pieces of steak. I really did. I can feel my willpower coming back now. Tomorrow will be so much better than today.
28. Neither kid finished their rice. Or steak. Husband, do you want to eat the kids’ leftovers? No? But we can’t save it. Bacteria will grow, because, you know, slobber. Are you sure? Okay, well… give the steak to the dog. But not the rice; too much salt. I guess I’ll eat the rice. It’s not that much.
29. I am super-full. And I still have to exercise. I am GOING to exercise! Coffee! I need coffee. My food will digest faster and then I can exercise.
30. Mmmm coffee. I love coffee. I’ll check Facebook on my phone really fast while I drink my coffee. Oh look, cat videos! Cats are a-holes but they sure are adorable and hilarious. Awwww, a video of a baby who just got cochlear implants and is hearing his mother’s voice for the first time! Annnnnd now I’m sobbing. Quick, watch funny videos! HAHAHAHAHA!
31. Okay, time to exercise!
32. CRAP!!! I need to give the kids baths and it’s already eight o’clock! Husband is asleep on the floor. That jerk. Wait – that’s not fair – he woke up at six. He wakes up every single day two hours earlier than I do. And sometimes I take naps. He never gets naps. I would be a horrible person to wake him up right now. He works so hard so I can stay home and take care of the kids and pretend to be a writer.
33. But now I can’t exercise! Maybe after I put the kids to bed? But then it will be dark. I could do one of my old DVDs? Ugh – who am I kidding? I’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.
34. Come on kids, let’s take showers. Including me; I stink.
35. I’ll start my diet tomorrow.
— — — — —
Did this make you laugh? If it did, share it using those little buttons you see below!
ALSO – be sure to “subscribe” to Abandoning Pretense Blog (enter your email in the upper right “subscribe” box) – If you only follow through Facebook, you definitely won’t get all the hilarious posts! Thanks for reading! xoxo
15 Comments
I have to exercise first thing in the morning, or I have to do it while chasing the kids around…which sometimes works well. Either way, I am going to rely on the sprinkler system to make sure I smell less terrible because time goes away much too quickly.
For the last couple of days, I’ve ran around the neighborhood with Mari. I either do high-knees or run up and back, circling around her. I probably look like a total idiot, but it gets the job done. And Mari actually ran a good mile today. It wore out so thoroughly that she fell asleep on the way to pick up her brother from school. So freakin adorable.
I LOVE THIS.
And you are far from alone…all these sound familiar.
Glad you enjoyed it! <3
Laughing my ass off. Had to re-read it….lol
So, apparently, you live in my head??!?! Except you’re funnier than I am! 😀 Loved this!!
And “FUCKAROONYNUTBALLS” is going to be part of my new vocab!
I’m not gonna lie, I still laugh each time I read “fuckaroonynutballs.” I have no fucking clue where that came from. Wrote this post in about 3 minutes. (Edited it in 45! haha)
OMG, you are INSIDE MY HEAD. This is so so funny. Just pinned it. : )
May I recommend this: http://www.bloguconference.com? I’m on the staff and I just really think you’d fit right in. Just a thought. It’s as far away for you as it is for me though …
You are killing me. I’m about to start selling stuff on Craigslist so I can go. BTW my husband’s birthday is the 8th. 🙁
LOL…you TOTALLY nailed it!!! ~ plus don’t we have to set a good example for our kids, we DO tell them not to waste food…..and when their tummy is too full, well…..sometimes we just have to take that last bite or else we hear ourselves say “there are starving people in Ethiopia you can’t waste food”
I talk about starving children Africa probably about 10 times more than I should.
This basically sums up every diet I’ve ever been on. Except for Psycho Diet circa sophomore year in college. That one was serious. Hence the name.
Was telling my cousin last night that every time I enter my wine, I”m waiting for MyFitnessPal to pop up and tell me I drink too much.
Baha. Cracking up as I sit here in my workout clothes, already ate breakfast to fuel up, waiting for my kid to get up ( naturally she is sleeping in super late since I planned to work out early today…foiling my plans….)