On more occasions than I care to count, I’ve been informed of several obvious shortcomings with regards to my personality: I’m too serious, too impatient, I worry too much and I overanalyze everything.

For many years, I’ve fought against these traits, sure that there was something wrong with me and that I was screwing up my marriage, my children and myself. I stuffed my feelings the way you stuff down the trash when it’s overflowing and you’re too lazy to change the bag, which everyone knows only makes your kitchen stinky.

If we’re talking about feelings and not a poorly-managed kitchen, stuffing “trash” down might cause a person to develop what I call “cut a bitch” feelings. At least, that’s my totally non-expert blogger-who-just-wants-to-write-a-quasi-humorous-post-about-shit-that-pisses-me-off analysis of the situation. Last time I wrote about this, I discussed people hurting my children (even by accident oh my god I will cut you), thinking of my husband boinking another woman (MINE) and getting a hair stuck to the back of my arm (I will flip a muhfucking couch).

Since that post, I’ve been keeping notes on other things that make me feel stabby. It would appear that this post is going to be a series that will last for approximately infinity years, so hopefully you will enjoy coming along with me on my rage ride wherein I purge feelings arisen from stuffing innate personality traits, an endeavor which is very healthy and normal and not insane at all.

So here they are, a few More Things That Make Me Want to Cut a Bitch:

When my husband pressures me to have another baby. Well then, YOU get pregnant, husband. And YOU get fat. And YOU breastfeed until your nipples bleed. And YOU stay up all freakin’ night every night for six months. Oh. No? That doesn’t sound fun? Then shut up. Before I cut you.

When my shoes are not tied the same tightness. I only wear lace-up shoes when I run, but I absolutely cannot function if my shoes are not the same level of snug on each foot. Sometimes I think I’ve got it right but then I have to stop a mile into my run and re-tie a shoe because if I don’t get them exactly the same I might just cut a bitch. (Also, this tendency of mine might explain some of the more stressed mornings in my household when it comes to children and things that “feel weird.”)

When a tiny bubble blocks my coffee from coming out of my travel mug. I call it the coff-blocker. I swish, swirl and blow (that’s what she said) and still the bubble keeps coming back, blocking the narrow opening from which the delicious nectar of alertness is meant to flow. But the tiny coffee bubble, though miniscule, is powerful. No coffee shall pass its border. Usually when the coff-blocker is having one of its more onerous mornings, I am forced to remove the lid to my travel mug and angrily guzzle my coffee while stopped at a traffic light. But that’s better than slamming a full mug of hot coffee into the dashboard of my car and spilling it all over the air vents and GPS system, right? Right.

Ahhh, now that feels better. It really is good to talk about these things, you guys. So tell me, what things make you want to cut a bitch? Comments are for venting. 😉

If this post made you giggle (and thereby prevented you from acting out with rage about something stupid that pissed you off this morning), please be sure to share it and follow my Facebook page!

34 Comments

  1. When one sock slides down underneath my foot while I’m running/walking. I have to stop and fix it immediately because AHHHHHHHH! Also: when I microwave food, and bite into something that’s simultaneously flaming hot and ice cold.

    • I had to stop the other day during a run because there was a teeny tiny grain of sand in my sock. I could barely feel it but it was driving me insane. lol

      Don’t even get me started on the microwave, that smarmy bastard.

      • I am the same way about the teeny tiny grain of sand (and my sock slipping down). How can my kids run around with 1/4 cup of sand/rocks in EACH shoe? And the simultaneous hot/cold bite is gross! I am famous for overcooking things in the microwave and then waiting for them to cool enough to eat so I can avoid that!

  2. …when I go to the gym and I come back after feeling so much better, only to have my husband go on an hour tirade about all the things I failed to do (start dinner before he got home, bring in the recycling can, fold laundry, etc.). Way to ruin my high, jacka$$!

    • Yep. That would definitely make me want to cut a bitch. A very specific bitch. Luckily people who exercise regularly are far too stable to stab people, right? RIGHT.

  3. When I go to an empty public restroom, pick a stall on the end and someone comes and sits in the stall next to mine. Same goes for when I am at the gym and there are 20 open treadmills and somebody has to come get on the one next to me. Get away, weirdo!

    • Omg I hate both of those things so Much!!! I’m seriously so afraid of judgment so Much that I would go work out in the middle of the morning I’m talking 3a.m. all because people would run next to me and I’m overweight and those twigs are just too thin making me look like a whale

  4. Whistling! I can’t stand random, happy-go-lucky whistling. Shut up! Once when I was shopping, there was an old man whistling some stupid random nothingness and no matter how hard I tried to get away from him, I could still hear him. I was THIS close to just abandoning my cart and leaving.

    • The only time whistling bothers me is when my husband is the one whistling. But he likes to whistle AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE IN ENCLOSED SPACES.

  5. The shoelace thing is very annoying. It has made me late to work before.

  6. When the car in front of me fails to turn their turn signal off after making a turn. I know it’s supposed to automatically go off, but how do they NOT realize that it didn’t this time and they’re just randomly driving down the road with their turn signal on!?!? Turn that shit off!

  7. People who constantly mumble beneath their breath…and when you ask “what did you say?”they respond with “nothing”…. Mainly my husband…makes me bonkers because he does this constantly! I’m gonna have to cut SOMEONE!!!

    • My husband used to do that so I started accusing him of being a puss. “What, you too afraid to say that out loud? Scared of me? Or just scared of HOW WRONG YOU KNOW YOU ARE?”

      I know, aren’t you so jealous of how mature I am?

  8. when my baby only nurses on one side and i have one boob and one non boob. but can’t get mad at a baby. so i take it out on my husband. lol.

  9. When my husband comes home a complete grump and treats me like shit and tells me I’m not doing a good enough job even though I’ve scrubbed the house from ceiling to floor and cooked and Neal and gone grocery shopping and taken care of our son… Yet still has to jump down my throat about literally everything telling me I spend money on things I don’t even use yet he sends hundreds and hundreds of dollars to his family in mexico when they could just as easily get a job to support themselves …. And he knows damn well we need the money after he just got done telling my whole family we are saving to buy a house. Ohhhhh My GOSHHHH!!! That makes me so INFURIATED! God can’t even control my saltyness!!!!

    • Uhhhh I only know what you just told me, but if that’s the gist of it, sista need to regulate. I wouldn’t lift a muhhhfuckin finger in that place until he gets his attitude under control. GOOD LAHD.

      • Oh girl you know I ripped him a new one in fact I’m going to let all the groceries go and he can make the damn lists and shop from now on and make the meals… Just because he clean the house once a month and does a way better job at organizing and cleaning than I do doesn’t give him the right to treat me like ahit and continuously rub it in my face ESPECIALLY in front of other people…. He is always rubbing my faults on NY face… Yet I’m still sweet and tell him thank you and praise him for every nice thing he does for me. It gets OLD. In fact I just disconnected the Spanish package from our cable company… I’m effing sick of his gloating!

  10. Things that make me go from “la, la, la, everything is glorious” to teeth-clenched “imma gonna cut a bitch”: when I can’t find something when I KNOW I JUST SAW IT! Where did it go? How did it disappear? I have a slightly photographic memory, so when something isn’t where I know I saw it 5 seconds ago: imma gonna cut a bitch. And, now this is going to make me sound bonkers, when I send my daughter to school and she comes home with stains on her clothes. I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at the stains. She’s 2. Put a smock on her so I don’t have to spend hours trying to return her clothes to their like-new state. I’m like Lady MacBeth: Out, damn spot!! Seriously, stains, I will cut you. I feel better getting this off my chest.

  11. Sadly ( or not if I’m being honest) I do Not run. My most annoying thing is when it is raining just a little and the big guy refuses to cut on the windshield wipers. There’s crap on the window turn them ON, NOW! Also, equally annoying is the MIL refuses to call him by his name (he is a Jr.) Instid she refers to him as My Son no matter what the situation. HE HAS A NAME! YOU GAVE IT TO HIM!

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  13. If i ever decided to really cut the bitches in my daily life i’d be hard jail time,but for the sake of time and other factors i’ll give one story. I just love(not!) when my husband tells me to change what i’m wearing because we’re going over his parents’ home. Even though it’s his favorite date night blouse;suddenly, it becomes inappropriate to wear over his do-gooders parents’ house. I know what you’re probably thinking. Is the outfit revealing? The answer to your inquiry is, no. I never wear clothes that are too tight(she doesn’t need/want a yeast infection) nor revealing(that’s just not her style). The problem comes with his upbringing because his sisters were only allowed to wear male pants while living at home with their parents. Now you get it;that same blouse he loved on last weekend becomes inappropriate to wear around his parents;that he loves to please so much. Yep! I def want to cut a few bitches at this point. P.s that’s probably why as soon as the oldest girl left for college she dressed in little to nothing whether in rain,sleet,or snow,and to boot posted social pics for her parents to see. Lol take that bitches. Btw. My mother in law is most of what you’ve blogged about concerning what you shouldn’t do as a m.i.l.

  14. My husband is a safe driver but doesn’t know how to keep the wheel straight when he drives. He never seems to notice the car slowly inching towards the curb only to start over again once he straightens up,briefly. His hands even obviously move dramatically while he ‘s driving straight. It drives me insane to ride with him,but it’d be absurd to ask if we could take two separate cars to our sons field day at school. Right?

  15. it drives me bonkers to have a driver pull out in front of me from the parking lot..ugh can’t you see me doing 45 in 40?….cut a bitch city…or when a driver turns without switching on the signal,which has been put there for you to let the driver behind know that you’re turning…hey,moron however you earned your license use that sense when you’re driving..ugh

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