Did THAT Just Come Out of My Feet?! My Experience With Foot Detox

If you’re anything like me, when you see a pic like this on Facebook, you want to know what in the Sam hell is going on:

I was looking at my friend’s feet, ankle-deep in an ionic foot detox. She raved about how great she felt afterward, how it was the most amazing thing she’d ever done and that she felt ten pounds lighter each time she did it.

My curiosity was piqued.

But… my skepticism was rolling its eyes. (Because,obviously, skepticism has eyeballs.)

I did some research on the internet to determine if this foot detox stuff was legit or not. I found plenty of material in support of both sides of the argument, but was ultimately swayed by the vast number of pro-foot-detoxers who absolutely swear by this treatment as a gentle, non-invasive way to detoxify the body. Diabetics claimed the footbath decreased their blood sugar levels, people with arthritis said it decreased swelling and pain in their joints, and many, many people reported an overall feeling of well-being which they directly attributed to the foot-bath.

Why hadn’t I ever heard of this until now, and… what the heck was it, anyway? I scheduled an appointment at the same place my friend had been raving about so I could find out. When I first arrived, I was sure I was in the wrong place, as I was parked in front of one of those big warehouse storage facilities. But on closer inspection I realized the facility had been converted into a business center, and indeed, “Hollistic Healing Massage” was printed on the front of door number eight, just as I’d been promised.

I brushed aside doubt and entered the building, and immediately felt I had just stepped through a worm-hole and stumbled into another, much more tranquil dimension. The warehouse feeling had disappeared and I was enveloped in serene, womb-like surroundings (womb-like meaning “comforting and cozy,” not “coated with blood and mucus”). The air smelled lightly of incense, and soft Zen music playing in the background. A sign hung on a door – a door which presumably opened into yet another dimension, especially given what was on the sign:

Lucas and Mari had come with me, and after a few minutes of me shushing them lest we accidentally disrupt the cosmic balance of the womb-waiting room and cause the collapse of a vital wormhole, bringing about the destruction of the universe and all life within it, Lisa came out to greet us. I was struck by her perfect skin and ridiculously clear eye-whites. This lady’s either won the genetic lottery, I thought, or she knows a thing or two about holistic health. As the client before me exited the building, she prattled on gleefully about how she’d never felt so good in her life (she’d just gotten a massage). I wondered if maybe I’d signed up for the wrong thing.

Okay, so I was trapped with my kids in an alternate dimension inside a warehouse marveling at someone’s eye-whites. But get to the point, Kristen, WHAT IS IONIC FOOT DETOX?

Well, basically, you get electrocuted.

Just kidding.

But that’s what I thought at first, because there was this little battery-looking thingy immersed in the water (salt water, actually) along with my feet.

The little doohickey uses positive and negative charges to ionize the salt water and does some stuff to your feet that kind of mimics the soothing feeling of walking on the beach, because apparently when waves crash on the shore, they also ionize somehow, and that’s why walking on the beach is so invigorating. I dunno. I was just waiting to feel ten pounds lighter, like my friend said.

I already knew not to go ga-ga over the change in water color; a lot of people think that the change in water color is because of all the junk that comes out of the bottom of your feet, where you happen to have the largest and most numerous pores on your body. But Lisa debunked that myth before we even began. She told me the water changes color regardless of whether or not there are feet in it. But – and here’s the super-interesting part – different feet make the water more or less chunky, or foamy, or whatever… and the water color changes depending on which types of toxins are most present in the body. The residue and gross chunky stuff in the water only appears when feet are present. So… it would appear that something is coming out people’s feet when they do this.

This is getting embarrassing.

The procedure took 30 minutes. Afterwards, I did not feel ten pounds lighter, but that probably had more to do with the fact that I’d eaten six tacos at Taco Bell right before the treatment and less to do with the treatment itself. However, I did notice something unusual that is worth mentioning: During the treatment, my calves felt sweaty. They felt so sweaty that I kept reaching down to wipe off beads of sweat, only to be greeted with bone-dry skin.

And then – and here’s the part where I surprised myself and became a believer – the next day, I had about as much energy as a slug, and my glands felt like giant boulders in my neck. I thought, Some detox; I’m getting sick! But I did a little research and it turns out it is quite common to experience these symptoms following a detox. It made me remember one time during my freshman year of college, how I got a deep-tissue massage and the therapist told me to be sure to drink tons of water and go home and rest, because she had massaged a lot of my glands and my lymphatic system would be working on over-drive to detoxify my body. I thought she was a quack and ignored everything she said, only to nearly collapse later in the day.

I never did experience full-blown cold symptoms with either instance; just lethargy and a feeling that I was going to get sick… but never actually getting sick. Crazy, right? And I did feel more energized after the treatment. I wasn’t manic or anything, but I got a lot done that weekend.

So… yeah. I’m a believer. I don’t think this is the kind of thing that will transport you to nirvana or cure cancer (although many cancer-sufferers have great things to say about it), but I definitely think it does something to stimulate your body’s own detoxification system. Lisa reminded me that it’s less about “sucking toxins out of the soles of your feet,” and more about stimulating your own body’s cleansing mechanisms to do the detox on its own. Hence my swollen glands.

I’ve done two treatments so far and I can’t wait to return for my last two. Lisa recommends at least four treatments to get the most benefit.

Because I’m writing this, Lisa agreed to do these treatments for me for free. She has also generously offered that for any local AP readers (Viera, FL), she’ll give you 20% off your ionic foot detox if you mention Abandoning Pretense. In other words, the 30-minute treatment is only $20. That’s a great deal, as most places charge between $30 and $50 – I checked. Lisa can be reached at 321-474-3814. Even if you aren’t local, like her on Facebook for great tips on how to live a clean and healthy lifestyle. (I sincerely doubt she eats Taco Bell.)