I know, America, I’m just as upset over the ambiguously festive Starbucks cups as you are. What were they thinking? Not a Christmas tree nor a reindeer in sight. I mean, it’s not as if we’re asking them to print the Nativity scene on their cups, am I right? Just throw us a freakin’ candy cane for Pete’s sake. It’s all so very upsetting.
The thing we have to keep in mind, though, my dear fellow panty-bunchers, is that the cup design of a massive, world-wide conglomerate whose annual earnings are in the billions—I don’t know, probably, I’m not an economist, just someone who cares very deeply about disposable coffee cups—is probably slightly less of a concern than at least a few other things.
With that in mind, I’ve compiled a helpful list of 30 incredibly worrisome issues that we ought to consider giving priority over Starbucks’ disgrace of a coffee cup:
1) That single-ply toilet paper is even a thing.
2) That there is a lady at your gym who always wears lipstick to Zumba.
3) That Dunkin’ Donuts makes SO MANY THINGS that aren’t even donuts.
4) That your mother-in-law gives your kid candy without even asking you first.
5) Daylight savings time.
6) That no matter how careful you are, strawberry seeds always get stuck in your teeth.
7) Those morons who still mix up the possessive and plural apostrophe.
8) Cargo shorts.
9) When the supposedly nice hotel you’re staying at has inadequate water pressure.
10) That the show ‘Ancient Aliens’ exists.
11) Those people who claim to have gluten intolerance when you just know they don’t really.
12) That svelte mom in your kid’s play group who claims she “forgets to eat.”
13) That dandelions are suddenly for eating.
14) That sometimes, at kid’s birthday parties, they serve cupcakes, but not pizza.
15) That sometimes when the waiter brings your food it is too hot to eat right away.
16) That there are like, wayyyyyy too many toys in your kid’s closet right now.
17) That sometimes, for absolutely no reason at all, your internet connection gets really slow.
18) Kids these days.
19) Water bottles that aren’t BPA free.
20) That sometimes Amazon Prime takes longer than 2 days.
21) Those T-shirts whose seams go crooked after you put them in the dryer just one time.
22) Those annoying parents who still haven’t figured out how car loop works.
23) That smart phones last about 18 months but the standard contract is 24.
24) That one friend who posts too many pictures of her cute baby.
25) That most parking spots are way too narrow for your SUV.
26) Those people who pretend they like running.
27) That Twitter has begun using “likes” instead of “favorites.”
28) That the grocery store refuses to fix the shopping carts with the janky wheels.
29) That your house is so big you can hardly keep up with the cleaning.
30) Man buns.
Feel free to print this list and keep it folded in your pocket so you can whip it out whenever you feel yourself starting to hyperventilate over Starbucks’ bland, pandering monstrosity of a coffee cup. It will quickly remind you what the really important things in life are.