Remember the sex spreadsheet debacle? Last year, some dink husband tracked his and his wife’s (sad, infrequent) copulation in an Excel spreadsheet and emailed it to his wife while she was on route to a business trip. She was so thrilled about his creative efforts at communication that she posted the spreadsheet to Buzzfeed. Chaos ensued.
While I’m not going to get into the wrongness of sex spreadsheets and their subsequent mass-social-media broadcasting (all of it so dreadfully, dreadfully wrong), I can speak to what I know to be true in my own life, and the lives of my friends who bitch to me about their husbands-whom-they-love-but-oh-my-god-sometimes-you-just-have-to-vent-or-you-will-pack-your-shit-up-and-move-to-a-fucking-lesbian-commune. Most of the media responses to the sex spreadsheet blamed the couple’s problems on a lack of loving communication and tender intimate connection – and that is undoubtedly a big part of it. But I have an additional theory I’d like to posit:
Men are gross. Sometimes gross enough to kill their wives’ libido.
There. I said it.
Not that all men are gross, and not that women are incapable of being gross. (Calm down, gentleman who is about to leave a long, ranty comment. If you’re not doing all the crap listed below, I am not talking to you.) But I’m willing to bet that the dude who made that spreadsheet can and does fart the alphabet. I mean, I don’t know his wife. Maybe she’s a horrible shrew who leaves blood-stained panties soaking in the sink for three days. But I think it’s far more likely that she lost interest in doing the horizontal tango with her husband because he was being a disgusting pig.
My dear men, I love you guys, but it’s really hard to be horny for you when you insist on being so gross. And because I really do love you, and really am in favor of you getting laid, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a list of some of the things you’ve been known to do that are real libido killers for your already libido-depressed wives. AVOID DOING THESE THINGS.
16 Gross Things Men Do That Make Their Wives Want to Slam Their Legs Shut:
1. Taking a dump with the bathroom door yawning open… while surfing the net on your iPad. No, you do not look like The Thinker.
2. Farting when you are with your wife in a small, poorly-ventilated room.
3. Farting in the car.
4. Farting under the covers.
5. Farting on top of the covers, with your butt pointed towards your innocently slumbering wife.
6. Farting any place within a 20 foot radius of your wife. (What I’m trying to say is, go to the bathroom when you have to fart. GAHD.)
7. Belching loudly, mouth open, without saying excuse me.
8. Constantly talking with your mouth full of food (grounds for murder).
9. Regularly chewing/smacking your food with your mouth open (MURDER).
10. Scarfing down half a plate of food before your wife – who cooked that meal for you – has even sat down. (This is above gross; it’s rude.)
11. Dropping your shoes and clothes on the floor wherever the hell you take them off.
12. Peeing on the rim of the toilet, the floor, the shower curtain, or the wall, and not cleaning it up.
13. Saying, “Oh my God, look at all this earwax I got out of my ears!” and then holding the Q-tip three inches from your wife’s eyeballs.
14. Offering your wife “constructive criticism” about how to get her “pre-baby body” back, when you clearly possess a hairy pot belly and man-boobs. Actually, even if you’re a perfect Adonis, you should keep your mouth shut about your wife’s post-baby body.
15. Doing the “penis dance” and asking if she wants a “quickie.”
16. Putting yourself first during sex. (Also known as: “locking the deadbolt on the penis coffin.”)
Please don’t take this the wrong way, guys. I really am only trying to help. I sincerely feel for those of you who are still confused about your wife’s horrified grimace when you Dutch oven her under her favorite goose down comforter for the thousandth time, and can’t figure out why she doesn’t want to ride you like a bucking bronco right after that.
You guys have to understand that a woman’s libido is connected to how she feels about her partner in the moment. Men can usually get into sex even when they’re annoyed at their partner, because they see the bigger picture of the overall necessity for intimate, loving connection through touch. (Also, naked ladies and boobies.) Women, in general, don’t think this way. If we’re in a constant state of grossed-outedness, there is a strong probability that we’ll have a harder time getting in the mood.
So quit with the farting and food smacking already, guys, and ya might just get laid a little more often. I know you can do it.
P.S. I feel like I need to mention that my husband is faring significantly better than Spreadsheet Guy because although he farts on me in his sleep, he can also take apart an entire car and put that shit back together all by himself. When he does this, he gets all streaked with grease and it is not gross to look at. Not gross at all.
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A version of this post originally appeared on Bluntmoms.com.
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