A while back, I started a series of weekly wrap-up posts called “Totally awesome stuff you didn’t see because of Facebook’s stupid algorithm,” which was in response to Facebook being a huge dick and hiding my posts from you. And like God when he created light, I was like, “This is good.”

Then, because I am but a mortal, I abruptly stopped doing the posts out of sheer sloth. Luckily for YOU, in addition to being slothful I’m also a huge narcissist, so I like to read back through old blog posts and laugh at my own jokes. I so enjoyed rereading my Friday Facebook wrap-up posts that I decided I would start them up again, except not on Fridays because I am too flaky to stick to a routine, and I’m just going to call them whatever the hell comes to me in the moment because WordPress gets glitchy if you have a bunch of posts with similar titles.

So here’s a bunch of crap you probably didn’t see because of Facebook’s stupid algorithm:

August 21: The kids had been in school for three days and I needed you all to know about my love of rap music. Plus, IT’S A KITTEN:

“Mine are at school. *Turns volume up on dirty rap music*”

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That Friday I went grocery shopping BY MYSELF and was all,

“Just went grocery shopping without the kids. Holy crap that was fast.”

Saturday we took the kids to Disney and I made the following observation, which is probably true of all mothers and therefore not actually that impressive:

“Considering the contortions I’m capable of in the car when setting up a kid’s DVD or passing a snack to the back seat, it really is a wonder I’m not in the circus.”

Also in the car:

“Husband: I love you too.

Me: I… didn’t say I love you.

Husband: I know. I love the band U2.

Me: You’re mean.”

I should clarify that we were listening to U2 in the car and when my husband said “I love U2,” I didn’t make the connection… because I don’t recognize bands. I only recognize classical music. Please don’t leave me.

Sometimes I share stuff with you guys just because I think it’s funny:

guilty eating

Or inspiring:

thighs touching
(Except, if we’re being honest, when my thighs get all touchy-touchy with each other I get a chafing rash, which really isn’t sexy at all if you think about it.

August 29th is one of the days Mari tried to murder me with her outlandish adorableness:

“‘I miss my bubby so much I could fart.’ – Mari, age 4, on having not seen her brother all day.”

And I FINALLY put my foot down with my husband:

“Husband: Sneezes

Me: Bless you.

H: Sneezes

Me: Bless you.

H: Sneezes

Me: You’re on your own now, dude.”

On Sunday I was forced to make the following depressing-as-shit observation about myself:

“I’m two beads of sweat away from being one of those ladies who carries around a hanky and constantly dabs at her upper lip.
#SoThatsNice

I am occasionally capable of seeing the positive in things as well (and also making jokes that you only get if you’re paying attention. I admit I was pretty proud of this one):

“Just realized I’m not an attention whore; I’m a validation whore. That is a very important distinction. 
…You understand exactly what I mean, right?”

Not everyone got the joke. Congrats to those who did.

I’d had enough of the Labor Day selfies that were really poorly-disguised plots devised by women who needed people to marvel at their boobs:

“Re: Labor Day selfies: If the shot is 80% boob, you are not fooling anyone. Do us all a favor and make the pic 100% boob. At least then you get credit for being straight with people.”

This last one isn’t funny at all, but it’s kind of cool. I started drawing again. Or attempted to, anyway. It’s the first time in twelve years I’ve drawn on paper that was actually intended for drawing. Well… I bought it at Walmart in the school supplies section. I think technically the paper is meant for kindergartners and their crayons. Close enough. Anyway, I asked you guys if you had let any special talents fall by the wayside since having kids, getting married, starting a career, etc… and a TON of you were just like me, having had a long-dormant talent. It made me kind of sad. I think we should work a little harder at holding on to this stuff, don’t you?

drawing

“I said I would share the finished drawing with you guys even if I wasn’t happy with how it turned out. I know this doesn’t suck but I’m annoyed that it doesn’t really look like the photo. And that my version looks like a half-alien meth head. I used an entire eraser on this drawing. Okay I’ll shut up now.”

drawing 1
I was totally going to draw her freckles, but dinner wasn’t going to cook itself, ya know? *BABY STEPS*

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11 Comments

  1. So THERE, Mark Zuckerberg. (Though I’m happy to say that the stupid FB algorithm let me see most of these!)

  2. I just adore your writing – shared this and have shared many of the above posts as well. Love that you picked up drawing again. I keep telling myself I need to get back in touch with my creative side as well. Kudos to you for doing it.

  3. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who reads back over their own FB timeline and laughs at their own posts. And I totally get your attention whore/validation whore joke, although thanks to the whim of FB, who can’t seem to grasp that I am friends with/like people/things BECAUSE I AM INTERESTED IN SEEING WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, that I didn’t see it the first time around. And while I might recognize U2, I can’t stand them. And I have a ton of things I love to do that I can’t do because I don’t have time because I have to make sure all four of my kids do their goddamned spelling homework.

  4. My thighs are little biotches too. Always RUBBIN up on each other and leaving me uncomfortable and bothered…. And the ice cream pic…PRICELESS! Love it! <3

  5. Today, I went to the beach front with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!
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