I’m generally a very even-tempered person. I tend to let things roll off my back, I don’t usually take things personally and I’m very forgiving.

Just kidding. Sorry if any of my family members just died laughing from reading that first paragraph. The truth is, I spend about 80% of my time talking myself off an emotional ledge.

I’m pretty good at my little self-pep-talks… though there are certain situations that’ll send me over that ledge I just mentioned. Lately I’ve been doing all sorts of super-deep self-examination (OMG that sounds so gross) like, you know, the introspective kind, trying to be a better mom, wife, woman, etc… the typical stuff. So I’ve been on hyper-alert. I’m trying to accept certain feelings, trying to label them… and then releasing them to the cosmos. Or something. I have no idea if this shit is gonna make less or more crazy. I’ll let you know in a few months how things are workin’ out for me, mkay?

One of my new favorite feelings to identify is: Things That Make Me Want to Cut a Bitch.

Scary young woman staring at camera.
Yikes. Run.

 

Don’t freak out, I’m not going to go all murdery on you guys; I just think it’s sort of an interesting experiment to take note of these rage-y feelings that occasionally boil up inside of me. Maybe this will be a series or something.

The first thing that makes me want to cut a bitch is when someone hurts my kid. Even if by accident. It really doesn’t matter, I will still vividly fantasize about ramming a brick into someone’s face if they hurt my kid. Like the other day, we were at a rest stop gas station, and as I walked out with my four-year-old, Mari, some lady swung her arm and hit Mari in her sweet little perfect baby arm with her lit cigarette. As she apologized repeatedly and profusely (and Mari screamed), here is what I thought: What the fuck are you doing smoking a cigarette right where everyone is walking? Even if you’re not waving your arms around with a lit cigarette in your hand – which is stupid enough in and of itself – you still shouldn’t be exposing everybody to secondhand smoke just because you have an addiction. There are other places to smoke. Also? Watch where you’re swinging that fucking torch. Idiot. (Mari’s arm is okay, by the way.)

Yeah. But that’s normal enough, right?

The second thing I noticed makes me want to cut a bitch is if I think about my husband boinking another woman. Somehow or another I got into a conversation with some friends of mine about sex drives and someone made a joke about how the one of us with the strongest sex drive should have sex with the husbands of the other women with the weaker sex drives. Everyone thought that was wonderfully hilarious, and so did I, except: I should not have pictured that actually occurring in my head. Because it made me want to cut a bitch. My husband is mine. MINE. I will boink my husband even when I’m bored and unhorny in order to keep him content because MINE FUCKING MINE. Now I’m not gonna pretend I’m always perfectly chaste and monogamous in my private fantasies, because… mkay actually nevermind, not gonna talk about that but whatever. I’ve been informed by some extremely reliable sources that I am normal in that regard. The point I am trying to make is, I don’t do sharing. I don’t even do thinking about sharing.

Still kind of normal, I think. Jealousy isn’t the weirdest thing anyone’s ever heard of, right?

The last thing I’ve noticed lately that makes me want to cut a bitch? When I get a hair stuck to the back of my arm. The odd thing about this last one is that I don’t have anyone at whom to direct my anger. It’s a lot of spinning, flailing and couch-flipping. But you know, you have to find the hair. You can’t just fucking leave it there.

That’s a fun new feeling to identify, isn’t it? Why don’t you try it now: What makes you want to cut a bitch?

38 Comments

  1. Things that make me want to cut a bitch:

    When someone who does not have kids tries to tell me something about what I am feeding my kid. For example: No wonder she’s hungry. That nutrigrain bar she had for breakfast is just empty calories. (WTF?)

    When someone tries to pressure me to have another baby. (You owe it to your child to give her a sibling). Double WTF!!! You gonna pay for that second child?

    When my husband is blowing up my phone with texts and when I answer back and have a follow up question…..radio silence.

    • Actually, yeah, my husband and his mom (REALLY??) try to pressure me into having another baby. I’m like, “well then YOU get pregnant. And YOU get fat. And YOU breastfeed until your nipples bleed. And YOU stay up all goddamn night for six months. Oh. No? That doesn’t sound fun? Then SHUT UP.”

  2. I would’ve cut the bitch with the cigarette. And then apologized afterward. Which is why I’ll probably be in jail in 3…2…1…

    Other things that make me wanna cut a bitch? Assholes who don’t use turn signals. It’s a simple flip of the wrist, people. Come on.

    • Haha, that turn signal thing really drives people batty. I don’t get too upset over it, oddly enough. (Maybe I’m the guy forgetting my turn signal!!! No. No I’m not.)

    • Funny thing about turn signals? Just as bad as when the guy in front of you drives FOR MILES with his signal ON!! but never really intends to turn.

  3. I’m with you on all of these. Except in my case, it’s not hair on my arm (although I do hate that), it’s when hair drops down into my cleavage. WTF? GET. OUT.

    (And that unchaste private fantasy thing–yeah, normal.)

  4. NSFW! I just laughed my ass off reading this! Not about Mari getting hurt though. That’s not funny. What did you actually say to that lady, btw?

    • My husband said, “that’s okay,” and I said, “NO, it is NOT okay.” But I don’t know if she heard me because I really am terrible with confrontation.

  5. So funny, but I think you have to re-assess your list. Like how is school pick up line not on there? Or moms who keep their house clean…all the time. I think you have to look at what’s really important…:)

  6. Blinkers..oooh, that really really grumpifies me! And being a person with Diabetes and having EVERYONE who is not living with this daily (and some who are) telling me what I already know. I understand that DQ mini Blizzard is ‘bad’ for me, I also know how many units of insulin I’ll take to balance it and I am freaking NOT going to do those situps, crunches, jumping jacks, ect, to use up the energy I just consumed. Do not lay guilt into me for eating ice cream..or anything else.

    OK…now am ready to bite someone.

  7. “When are you due?” when I’m not pregnant. That makes me want to cut a bitch. I wrote a haiku about it a few months back so as not to actually cut the bitch.

    • WhatEVER. I’ve seen you in real life and you don’t even look at little bit preggers. But yeah, no one should EVER say that unless they’re sure. 😉

      • No, no they should not. It’s happened to me, too!!

    • Oh, I’ve had some stupid friends make that horrid mistake. Don’t they know that they’re supposed to be absolutely 110% sure before asking if you’re expecting a boy or a girl? I once had to scold them for doing that.
      Good times.

  8. I've changed my name five times so there Reply

    What makes me want to C.A.B? When people act like they know what’s best for my kid and I don’t resulting in talking down to me.

  9. OMG! My list is long and random. And the hair thing? Drives me CRAZY. As does the no blinker thing. My latest rage-induced thing is running red lights. People around here run them ALL THE FREAKING TIME. In fact, just this morning, I was nearly rear ended because I stopped. For a red light!

    And that lady that burned your baby? She would not have lived to tell the tale.

    • I know, I know. She was sooooo sorry. It wasn’t enough for me to say “that’s okay!” but it was enough for me to not punch her in the face. Well, that and I hate confrontation.

    • WOW, Jessica, I am IMPRESSED at the RAGE. RAWR. In my house I’m the one running around like a lunatic turning off lights and unplugging things. My husband thinks I’m insane. Not a huge bone (mehehe, “bone”) of contention with either one of us, though. I’m more likely to suffocate him in his sleep because he was chewing with his mouth open at dinner.

  10. Ohhh, the school drop-off line makes me want to cut a bitch! SEVERAL bitches, actually! More specifically, when people park in said drop-off line, blocking traffic, when there’s an actual PARKING LOT ten feet away. Grrrrrr …..

  11. I LOVED this post! Any and EVERY time I have to go to WalMart, I always end up wanting to cut multiple bitches. Please, BY ALL MEANS, stop and have a conversation with your hairdresser/babysitter/pastor/whoeverthefuck that you just ran into while blocking the ENTIRE aisle so no one can get by you. After all, the world does revolve around you. Instant rage. PS I love that you mentioned in a reply what makes you want to suffocate your husband in his sleep…I always tell mine I’m going to do the same when he pisses me off.

    • Haha! The shopping cart in the middle of the isle, I shit you not, is in the next “cut a bitch” post!

  12. Lol I just love you. But I do not want to mess with you. Ever. The main thing that makes me want to cut a bitch is when I’m housing a bag of Doritos and someone comes over and starts sticking their hand in the bag . Usually it’s the hand of one of my kids, and they’re all boys, but I can still call them bitches if I want to.

  13. What a great article! My list is too ling to write here, but here are a few top reasons why I’d want to CAB: 1. Parents who leave their bully kids run the park for preschool kids- 24/7!! 2. Drivers who ram themselves into your trunk to try to get in front of you in traffic 3. Crazy-ass parents who watch their kids hurt everyone else & when you call their kids on it, they come at you like a pirate looting treasure from the Cleopatra, herself!

  14. Dude, this person GETS me. On like, a weird level of fury that I got, I feel like I can just click with her on that level.
    This is mostly due to the fact I’m teenage girl (and obviously a rebellious one, despite the fact I never leave my room), but I can just GET this. I feel it. That rage. Bang my maybe-future-kid’s arm with a LIT cigarette? I’ll fight you. I wouldn’t even hesitate. Also, I thought I was the only one who had the problem with hairs getting stuck to the back of my arm! So glad I got my hair cut recently and it doesn’t happen anymore, but thinking about it makes me wanna flip a table.

    My list? Too long to type up on here, I’d say. But I’ll add some stuff.

    – Bullshitting. Don’t you bullshit me buddy. I’ll punch you in your snobby little rich nose. Huh, that kinda makes it feel like I’m directing this at someone. I guess I am, sort of.
    – When people talk patronizingly to me. Okay, look at me here. I am a weakling, with little noodle arms that legitimately have problems opening some doors because they’re too heavy. Also, I know I’m the brightest bear of the bunch. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT talk to me like I’m some sort of misguided toddler. If anything, you’re making my “bad attitude” even worse, because I want to swing my weak noodle arm and back-hand you across the face.
    – When people eat my food. I’ve already made it clear that I am a teenage girl. You wanna know what current phase I’m going through, being a teenage girl? I’ve been eating food obsessively (and just to piss some people off, I don’t even gain any weight from it because of my wonderfully high metabolism. Don’t worry guys, it’ll give away in the future and I’ll get to be fat and all of you will laugh at me. It’ll be great!). If anyone even THINKS they can touch the food I’ve self-proclaimed as mine, they have another thing coming for them. That entire cake? It’s mine. Don’t even question it, it’s MINE. Watch me eat ALL of it in a single sitting. You will get nothing, because it’s mine.

    I think I’ll just leave it at that for now, it’s getting me a bit riled up.

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