Let’s just go ahead and clear one thing up: I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and I’m not trying to be the poster child for anxiety.
However – and I am quite sure of this – I am wayyy more anxious than your average Jane. But while I may sometimes stumble around in an eye-twitching state of quasi-panic, I don’t generally consider myself diagnosable. In fact, most of the time, once I’ve gotten comfortable with a person, I’m… well, comfortable.
That being said, if there is a Foot in Mouth Disorder or a Brain Fart Disorder, or perhaps even an Awwww Shit Everyone’s Looking at Me With Their Forehead All Wrinkled Disorder, then I probably have one of those. I get a little flustered and I do super embarrassing stuff like fall in pools and blurt out random shit that nobody wants to hear.
And because I clearly don’t mind embarrassing myself for the entertainment of others, I’m sharing with you my 10 most noteworthy awkward moments from the last few months:
- While walking outdoors with some women I had just met, I exclaimed, “Wow look how cool those blades of grass are!” Sadly, “grass” was not a metaphor for something awesome like marijuana. Just, you know… ordinary grass. I probably pretended to be excited about grass because there was a half second of silence that nobody else noticed but that I was desperate to fill.
- I asked, “So, is your son going to join the team?” to the mother of a boy who had clearly been on my son’s soccer team for three weeks already. This mom is one of those moms who seems effortlessly cool and confident, so naturally, I developed short-term memory loss every time I saw her.
- On various occasions, I smiled wayyyy too big for farrrrr too long at noooobody in particular. Because look how cheerful I am! I am totally normal and definitely happy to be here!
- Or on other occasions I didn’t smile at all and showed everybody what “resting bitchy face” looks like. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to be cheerful. That’s when people ask, “Hey, are you okay? Having a rough day?” Yes, I’m fine, thank you. This is my face.
- While at Disney World trying to fold a very uncooperative stroller so we could board the bus, I shouted to everyone on the bus, “Yeah, that’s right, I’m the lady who can’t shoulder the fold!” Obviously I meant to say, “fold the stroller.” But even if I had gotten the words right… what a fucking weirdo.
- At a dinner with new friends, I waited until everyone’s mouths were full of food and then exclaimed, “I used to be a slut!” At least everyone laughed. One person laughed so hard she choked. (I don’t regret this moment.)
- In one instance, I spoke at length about how interesting brick buildings are. Oh, an extremely brief silence that is only perceived as awkward by me? Here, let me fill it with inconsequential drivel about turn-of-the-century architecture!
- While walking my dog, as a random neighbor walked by, I held up my dog’s poop high in the air as if it were the World Cup trophy and bellowed, “Don’t worry, I’m picking up the poop!” I wasn’t even in his yard. He was just a random guy out for a walk. But in the moment, it seemed totally reasonable to alert him to what a responsible citizen I was being.
- At a wedding, I prattled on and on about random nonsense for so long that the person I was talking to finally just turned around and walked away from me.
- I called no fewer than ten people by the wrong name. One day I will learn to use indiscriminate pronouns in social situations.
If you’re a nice person, you’ll share at least one embarrassing moment of yours in the comments. Are you a nice person? ARE YOU?
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