Every year, at the end of summer, the internet implodes on itself because it can’t support the billions of articles and blog-posts written by stay-at-home-moms who are frothing at the mouth and doing naked jiggly dances in the street over how delighted they are for their kids to finally be going back to school.
Personally, I am perplexed by this.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally on-board the “kids are annoying as hell” train, but I think we all need to simmer down and cultivate a little perspective. I think summertime is way better than school-time. And here’s why:
1. I finally get to sleep in a little (or a lot – thanks, Netflix!), and I don’t have to drag my snarling demon-spawn out of bed either.
2. I no longer have to scream at my nine-year-old 10 billion times to stop singing “Let it Go” at himself in the mirror and hurry up and brush his freakin’ teeth already.
3. I don’t have to pack my son’s lunch before I’ve even had a cup of coffee.
4. Pajamas. ALL DAY LONG.
5. No morning temper-tantrums about clothes that “rub me” or “feel weird.” Wear whateverthefrick you want, kids. Yay!!!
7. There’s nowhere we absolutely HAVE to be. Sure, I signed the kids up for gymnastics, but it’s not like school; children’s services is not going to stop by if I don’t show up for two weeks in a row.
8. No more dealing with dick-wad parents who think they’re too good to abide by car-loop procedures.
9. No more homework battles.
10. No more contemplating throwing myself in front of a bus over school projects like this:
11. Swimming. Okay, my five-year-old still needs nonstop supervision and that’s kind of a pain in my ass, but it’s still considerably less painful than having to fake being proud of the clay penis my son molded in social studies.
12. No more teacher’s conferences where my kid’s teacher politely implies maybe he should be medicated for his ADHD.
13. No more annoying fundraisers. Like I really wanted to buy giant tubs of cookie-dough to store in my freezer right after the holidays? HELLO, I already feel fat. And by the way, everyfreakingperson I know did all the same exact fundraisers we did. Who the heck was I supposed to sell that stuff to???
14. Now that my nine-year-old is home, my five-year-old finally has someone to play with besides me. Thank Goddddddddddddddd.
15. No more after-school scurrying all over town to extracurricular activities and rushing home to cook a crap dinner because there’s no time or mental energy to put into making something nutritious.
16. I can let my kids stay up later so they can do important stuff like walk on my back, brush my hair or watch Disney movies and eat popcorn with me.
Yeah. All that. See why I don’t understand the panic attacks moms have over having their kids home? Obviously kids can be as irritating as a chimp on crack when they’re up in our business all day long without a moment’s reprieve, but let’s be honest, fellow stay-at-home-moms. School is worse.
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